My Blog :: Just entries when I feel I need to write to get my stress out. Helpful for reflection on situations.

Is it really July 1st??
1:04AM on July 01, 2009

You know I have to say it truly amazes me how fast time passes.  They warned me when I was younger not to wish my life away to cherish the days and enjoy life.  Though it seems the more I heard that the harder  I wished and now it seems like I blink and miss months at a time.  Life seemed so easy then.  No bills, no major responsibilities, doing what you want whenever.  These early times in the roller coaster of life are the point of the coaster going up hill.  It isnt until you reach the top of that hill that the coaster throws you into steep drops, many repeated loops, and all those crazy cork screws, that you can not see coming.  Then it makes you wonder damn, where did it all go.  The loops and cork screws make us loose track, pace, sense of direction and they dont happen or turn out as we planned and then we begin to wonder, damn where did it go wrong.  But the simple fact is everything happens for a reason.  The rhyme and reason we may never find out but continuing to question why is not going to get us anywhere.  Its most important to just keep moving on the ride.   
With the economy at its breaking point, having a job that pays well is a benefit.  But when you are continually called upon because you are the expert, it can begin to be too much.  I have not been very active here for about the last year.  In December I had some things going on but that doesn't make up for the time I have missed.  The last, almost 3 months, I have been quite far from here.  The end of March was amazing but,  I had what I consider to be a tragedy in my life and dealt with one of the hardest things I have ever had to during the first weeks of April.  Since about the 15th of April, I have only had about 6 days off, 3 days that were together when I took a trip to Pittsburgh the beginning of June.  I miss RUDE so much.  I have really missed out on things not only in these last several months but def in this last year.  I am trying to change this as I write.  Not only on RUDE but in my personal life as well.  My health has not been the greatest and it is time to take time for me and do what I want to do.  
I have come to realize that I am a people pleaser, and I will do anything to make someone happy.  I have learned that I will never be able to please everyone so I need to make things good on my part.  Screw the rest of the world....right??  As I embark further into this wonderful roller coaster of life, I take the past as a learning expierence, vowing to never question or make the same mistakes twice.  I enjoy my present as if today were my last, embracing it and making the most of it because everything happens for a reason.  And I reach to the future unknowing of what it will bring but not worrying or stressing about it either because its not going to make it any better.       
Now that I have written too much lol...I just want everyone to know: I miss you, I've thought about you, and in Michael Jackson's words (RIP) "You Aint Seen Nothin Yet."  Im coming full force maybe not immediately but keep an eye out cause im ready.  Peace, Love, and Respect to Everyone!  Hope youre all well!

Hey
2:08PM on September 25, 2008

Hey I just wanted to write something short and let everyone know that I am doing ok.  Alive and kicking so that is all that matters.  I have been working like crazy overnight so between that and taking care of mini me during the day I stay pretty worn out.  I miss you all so much and I hope to talk to you soon.  Lots of Luv.  Ashley

Its been a while
11:42AM on August 09, 2008

I havent done this in a while cause I really havent had the time but I need to vent for a little bit.  It has finally reached that point where we are separating and filing for divorce.  I really dont know what to say at this point I am speechless.  I cant believe it happened like this because it sure as hell wasnt on my terms.  I know I had been talking about it for a minute but its kind of hard to believe that it happened like this.  Things kind of blew up and Im currently packing to leave tomorrow.  I know its supposed to be a good move but it hurts like hell.  When you get to that point that you know for sure that someone that used to love you no longer does it rips you apart.  I am not saying I did not want this to happen this is what I have wanted I just wasnt expecting it like this.   On one hand I am happy because it is the beginning of something new but on the other hand I am sad because its the end of something that has taken the last 3 years of my life.  There are so many more things that I could have done with the last 3 years. 

Its supposed to feel good right?  A breath of fresh air...a relaxing peaceful serene ending but it feels like a knife through your heart.  I know I am strong but I dont think that he thinks I will get through this but I know I will and come out stronger than ever.  There is a  reason for everything and I will now be able to focus and do the things that I have wanted to do but have been unable to.  I am looking forward to this new found freedom.

I look forward to enjoying my life for the first time in a very long time.  Anyone have any advice?  I am open to everything and interested in all points of view.

Until next time take care and be safe...

xoxoxoxoxoxox

sixx

I haven't blogged in a couple days
2:31PM on July 05, 2008

Ok so I haven't posted anymore blogs these last couple days.  But things are ok, I living my life the way I want and I really don't give a fuck what anyone has to say about it.  Someone really pissed me off this morning but I reminded myself that they are on the other side of a computer screen.  They mean nothing. lol....anyway this is about all I have to say right now I might right another one later before the day is out....

A Good Place to Vent
1:50PM on July 02, 2008

You know when I wrote those first 2 blogs I really didn't think that people would actually look at them and respond.  But I am suprised to see that they have and some have even commented.  This is a good place to vent and get frustrations out and I like that.  I keep journals on a daily basis so it is kind of like that.   So I dedcided that I am going to try and blog on a daily basis.  Hopefully with the way things are right now I will not be without a computer for too long so here it goes. 

Well after yesterdays bullshit with my husband he didn't come home until almost 10pm.  Now he is usually home by 8:30pm and not later than 9:30pm.  So it was kind of odd that he didn't walk in until 5 minutes of 10.  I was watching Tv and I had made him his dinner.  He came in and sat in front of the computer and started surfing the web.  Looking at cars.  I made his plate and he ate.  Not once did he bring up anything he said.  I went to sleep.  Then this morning he kicks me and says get up I need you to iron my shirt.  There was no please or thank you not even I love you just the iron my shirt.  I was kind of pissed but I did it anyway.  After I finished ironing his shirt (he was in the shower) I asked him about pants because the last thing I wanted was to hear him bitching that I hadn't ironed those too.  He said oh the ones on the bed.   I picked them up and went back to ironing.  He didn't say anything else to me until he was leaving, I thought I'll kill him with kindness and tell him I love him but all he said is yeah bye.  He left and I have yet to hear from him today.   Its crazy.  This relationship is probably the biggest mistake I have ever made.  And I really wouldn't care if it didn't hurt so much.  He has totally disregarded me like some ho of the street and thinks that is is ok.  But its not.  I am taking an inventory of everything in this house and I am going to try to sell all the stuff that I don't want.  I am taking my clothes and the baby's clothes, some of her toys, my toys, my keyboard, my xbox, my computer, and my dvd player with dvds.  What I can't sell is his.  I don't want any of the other stuff it can just sit here.  Quite frankly I don't give a rats ass what he does with it. 

Why do relationships end like this?  He keeps telling me I am the one doing things wrong but I have yet to see what I am doing wrong.  I cook, I clean, I give him everything he wants when he wants.  I can't help the fact that he told me not to work al lthis time but now all of a sudden its an issue and he wants me to get a job but I can't.  Who is at fault here?  Surely it isn't me.  I have tried and tried to make this relationship work but its a two way street you have to give to get and frankly I am tired of giving.  I told him if things didn't work out between us that I was done with men completely.  I have been in bad relationship after bad relationship and nothing seems to want to work out.  You know the sad thing is I would rather him beat the shit out of me then treat me like he does.  I would take that better then him acting the way he does towards me.  It is crazy.  Its sickening actually to know that you have given someone so much but they are so ready to just up and let you go.  I am tired of this fight I want a good life with happiness and fun. 

Well I think I have done enough bitching again for today.  I promise to talk about something else tomorrow as long as he doesn't start anymore shit between now and then.  Talk to you all soon.

Muah,
Ashley

Its Over
4:28PM on July 01, 2008

Well he told me today that if I don't have a job in two weeks that he is leaving.  He didn't even tell me that face to face it was over the phone.  He is the one who didn't want me to work all this time because of our daughter but now all of a sudden its a problem.  Its like he doesn't know what he wants to do.  I didn't get married to be divorced in 2 months.  But I refuse to give him the statisfaction of leaving me.  I will leave him before those 2 weeks are up.  I feel like I have wasted the last 3 years of my life.  I am Thankful that I have something beautiful to show for it., but I still feel cheated.  I could have went to college and have been close to graduating.  Another thing I don't understand is why would you marry me and 2 months later decide that you don't want to be with me.  I just don't understand.  I told him when we got together that I was getting married to get divorced.  He didn't start acting stupid until we got married.  Now I am at a loss.  I don't know what to do or say.  But I know i am angry as hell!  I am furious because I have given him 3 years of my life for him to just turn around and shit on me and think its ok.  I had my whole life ahead of me, and now I have to plan every move I make.  I feel defeated.  Why do men do this?  Why did he marry me to tell me he is going to leave me?  I know there is no such thing as Happily Ever After but can't I just have a little happiness.  Enough of my bitching...give me your thoughts....

A Real Man
7:04PM on June 26, 2008

Why can't I seem to find a real man that loves me and wants to be with me and be happy.  I want a real man that loves to have fun and enjoy life that wont get mad over stupid shit, who won't go days without talking to me, that makes me happy and will not stress.  Is that too much to ask.  I hate the relationship I am in not because he gets mad at the stupid stuff. He will go days without talking to me and then I am supposed to be happy and fine with everything that went on.  I want to be happy I think I deserve it but why can I seem to find the good ones.  Granted he has done a lot for me and taken good care of me and our daughter but I want romance and caring and compassion.