My Blog :: Ten years ago I happen to find myself at one of those uncomfortable psuedo liberal parties in the hills of hollywood where people usaully went to get not-so-quietly drunk, abuse pescription meds and talk about endless unfiltered politics .. i was there but for the good graces of my clique ,, a ragtag group of pirate nixons if i ever saw one .. It was a view into a world I had little use for but could not pull away from .. I had somehow come to take up the "token Black guy" position in this group and the cost of my vicarious entertainment at this party was the endless sermonizing and apologizing for slavery .. the righteous indignation at the audacity of blacks wanting reparations for said slavery .. As usual I just smiled and nodded at these displays of inept buffoonery and social awkwardness that emanted from "not Knowing" .. Hell, I even admit cupability by my very presence ... ...anyway this is rude.com and you're reading this for a juicy sex story ... ... The host of the party "Bill" had unknown to me ...promised to hook one of these arty farty types with a big black guy ... never mind that i was of medium height and build .. my bespectacled demeanor far from the mandingo she was looking for .. Yep, there's a saying in hollywood ... "They either wanna fuck of they wanna FUCK you " ... and this was unknown to me at the time .. my plight as it were. Leslie had starred in a couple of C movie pics, was blond, frighteningly thin and had one of those fucked up page boy, ellen De Generes hair cuts .. Yeah, totally my type .. NOT !! .. I spent the evening alighting from one social group to the next ... most of the guests were talking about local indie music and bands ... a lot were talkin about the latest Wienerdog video [local performanceartist] ...Skat is really not my thing .. really .. Leslie spent her evening spot chasing me from clique to clique ... you just gotta love Los angeles social politics .. go to a party to a party just to hang out withthe friends you came with and if your're lucky .. you snowball into some one else's group of friends... .. I always tried to tell myself that this wasn't me .. that I was so much better than the social climbers around me ... I was wrong .. .. so, i guess I gotta get to the fuckin part ... Leslie was becoming increasingly fustrated to the point of heated distraction and had decided to lay it all on the line most bluntly ... "What's a girl gotta do to get a little cock out of ya ?!!' -what a lady- I was unwilling to answer, perhaps due to the initial shock factor or perhaps that my answer would have elevated the threat level to red ... "Do you want some whit pussy or not bra ?" "Uhm-I guess not." .. At this point Leslie "accidentally spilt her drink on my windbreaker and stormed off .. I was relieved and very, very ..wet. I fought my way through the crowd only to find the restroom full of people having that "Scarface moment" with a pile of coke ... .. Recreational drugs are only recreational if you can take the shit and avoid fucking with the clean people in the room ... People usually take that shit and start getting pissed at the square which was usually me ... anyway, i found my way to Bill's personal restroom which was off limits to everybody but Bill .. fuck'em .. He had placed me in the fire with that dried up twat any way ... I would quietly enjoy using his meticulously monogramed towels and gleefully pissing all over his oak toilet seat [Bill actually sat down to piss, because he didn't want to damage the material.] .. .. Those towelswere fucking sweet and repressed twit that he is ... Bill even had fiber optics running through the towel rack that heated the material ... ... after cleaning my windbreaker to the best of my ability, I turned to find a woman seated on the toilet quietly pissing and nonchalantly starring at me .... I'd seen her in clique number seven that some of my people actually knew, but i hadn't caught her name .. "Hey .. How's it goin ?" "Were you sitting there the whole time?" "Yup." "Not saying anything .. cool with it ?" "Yeah, so .. I'm not having a cow or nothin' ... 'sides, I saw that old chick dump her drink on you .. totally fucked up." "Excuse me, but you are using the bathroom aren't you?" ....she flushed ... "I was." .. I was still reeling from the fact that she was sitting there and then she stood up pulling her flowered granny panties up over suprisingly voluptuous thighs. She smiled and said her name was Diana. She was wearing what looked to be a catholic school girl's uniform, knee high socks and all .. ... She looked like a white girl, but her voice branded her something else entirely .. kinda sounded a little street .. not in the forced show "bizzness" way you usually find at these parties. . "Aren't you gonna use the john dude ?" I didn't answer. "Oh- Okay." She turned her back to me. "You might wanna step out side Leslie." "Fuck no .. I was here first. Besides, what do you think i'm gonna do anyway?" "Its just that ... uh, screw it." I took that nagging piss. Forgot to piss on Bill's seat though. Leslie explained that she had been squatting in the bathroom to get away from a paticularly annoying roommate who was trying to get into her pants. I told her my story. We talked and talked ... just about everything. Leslie was from south LA and was actually half russian and half latina. She always downplayed her mixed heritage because people made a big deal out of it and constantly questioned her ... ... I told her I was all nigger ... She laughed ... I was relieved .. Usually people got upset when I said the N word in un-african american company. It's okay to think it, but you just cant say it ... " Wanna kick it ?" "Huh?" Leslie blinked her heavily shaded eyes and tapped me on the shoulder. "You wanna go with me and vibe .. Just like .. Hang in a car and talk shit." I nodded and followed Leslie out into the party. she had tied a sweater around her waist, but it did little to conceal her curvy bottom. I was nervous and a little anxious .. unfamiliar territory for me these days. We ended up chilling in some body's honda civic and listening to the local college stations. "Hey man, you feeling me ?" "Yeah, I'm there." It was honest ... It was REAL ... ... We just started going at it like fucking ANIMALS !!! ... not kissing ... JUST SUCKING ON EACHOTHER'S LIPS, TONGUES, CHEEKS AND CHINS ... my hand trying to grasp her breast through the vest and long sleeved shirt that covered it .. fingers prying into theshirt, popping buttons and reaching into the underwire bra to find a solid breast .. the nipple standing at attention ... hard as a bullet ... her grasping talon of a hand cupping my balls and package though my black jeans .. ripping the zippier down .. seeking to find my throbbing cock !! .. ripping through my under shirt and boxers .. grasping in her jeweled fingers .. and pulling into the moonlight my many veined penis ... Diana violently used her elbow to shove me back on the seat as she began to suck my pulsating member with the glee I've never seen before and have'nt since .. grasping my prick with both of her hands ... sticking her tongue into my urethra with abandon ... It was extremely wet and sticky .. I was reeling with lust and running my fingers through her raven locks finding a ornate hair pin .. Diana stopped abruptly and position herself between the front seats of whoever-the fucks-car that was ... she placed her palms on the dash board as I raised that plaid skirt with a crackhead like frenzy ... Her large panties were adorned with small hearts ... really cute actually .. Instead of pulling the panties down and off ... i pulled them deep into the crack of her juicy pale bottom .. It would have taken too much time to get them off in the small car ... "Come on and stab me with it !!!" I didn't disappoint. .... I parted those perfect cheeks .. using my thumbs to separate he puffy vaginal lips and violently shoved my cock inside ... WE FUCKED ... WE FUCKEN FUCKED !! .. me, aching my back off the back seat .. her , throwing her ass into my pelvis .. THE SMACKING SOUND ALMOST DEAFINING !!! .. then I came ... I GUSHED A LITTER OF HOT DNA DEEP into the CRACK of HER BEAUTIFUL ASS !!! ... soiling all those little fucking hearts and the back her thighs .. my jeans were soiled as well. ... ... Diana quickly turned and gave me a short peck on the cheek ... -she bounded out of the car and back up to the house.- .... I ended up cleaning myself off to the best of my ability with some leaves from a nearby tree. Hell on the penis though .. -I made my way quietly back into the house and back to my clique. .. .... I was introduced to some dude named Steve .. and his girlfriend Diana.

BBW Chronicles prt 2
9:33PM on November 17, 2009





                  A platonic female friend expressed her disgust with my attitude and actually called me a pig when I regaled her of my experience with May.

I didnt feel that I had behaved like a swine, but in retrospect maybe I shouldnt have expressed myself so plainly to my associate. I had been honest in my non-interest in my coworker and yet, I had taken the cheese so to speak when I got hot and heavy with her.

Id bought the whole bag of bullshit when Id unwrapped my polished turd that fateful Saturday night.
Why was I a pig because I didnt like a particular sexual experience Id had with an over eager stalker at my place of employment ?

So I resolved to be completely honest in my attempts to seek the BBW booty call of my dreams
my Ad on the net went a little something like this.

Single black male currently residing in Los Angeles county ... Creative, deep thinking type with a love of beautiful, voluptuous creatures Reasonably good looking, intellectual type ( yes, I wear glasses.)....RACE OPEN ... Beautiful ( Okay, easy on the eyes .)individual with a womanly body and an easy going demeanor. Must have things going on in their own circle. I'm looking for some one with an hour glass figure
( Preferably with a little more sand on the bottom.)
..Hey, it's my preference and I'm just being honest.
4
Yep, that was my open and honest internet ad which I spread liberally around on several sites including Yahoo & Google but mostly on BBW sites I figured that it would be easier there because that was my preference and that perhaps none of the women who responded to my ads would be inclined to lie about their stats.

boy was I wrong

seriously, you wouldnt believe some of the freaky ass messages that started to fill up my inbox.

It was a horrific comedy of Errors that read something like this .


Who do you think you are putting conditions on your time ?!! Youre not hot anyway Maybe if you looked like Djimon Hounsou How big is your dick ?

Hipster Gurl

I dont have no Big Ass or nothin. I aint cute or curvy but you should go out with me anyway. Men should like a woman for her personality. Im a great girl and fuck you if you dont wanna get to know me Im very funny.
P.S. Ill be waiting for your call.
P.S. seriously I want you to call me.
P.S. Fuck you if you dont call me bro

Funny Snow Bunny

I want me some of that big phat nigger cock.
John E. Dangerously


Do you accept Jesus as your Lord and Personal Savior ?
Anonymous Asian


I got a strap-on with your name on it First I do you, then maybe just maybe You do me.
Kiki

You still havent called me fuck face.
P.S. Im a very nice girl.
Funny Snow Bunny


5


What is your political affiliation ?
P.S. How big is your penis ?
Sammy


That last email was accompanied by an attached photo file of the ugliest, moose faced, butch looking, mushroomed haircut woman I have ever seen. Looked like fucking Lyle Lovett in drag or something. It was a goddamn Christmas photo that looked like it was taken by someone under extreme duress. It was slightly out of focus.

Sammy even had two small children in the photo with her.

I doubt they were hers Theres not enough alcohol on the planet that would help that woman conceive.

They were all dressed like dorks in matching red cardigans huddled up together in a neat little triangle of a pose. Adult on top Kids doubled up on the bottom.

I kinda wondered why she would send me a picture including images of her children. I mean youre meeting a complete stranger on the internet. I dont care how I look in my posted photos Im a stranger.

Theres something fucking idiotic and perverted about women sending pictures of and including their children to some guy thats a potential hookup.

I mean, I get it seriously, I get it.

Its one of those my kids are part of the deal type maneuvers. I really get it ladies .. Youre looking for a serious relationship and through some fault not necessarily your own Youre doing the internet dating thing.

But think for a moment Sending pictures of your God given babies to a complete stranger who may or may not be the next John Wayne Gacy or Jeffrey Dahmer Real fucking genius right there ladies.

Keep on looking for that Mr. Goodbar okay ?

The photos that I got were even more disappointing and mind numbingly hilarious. Most of them were maniacally cropped to little more than a smiling face. If youve ever done the internet thing, you know what Im talking about. The sliced up photo these broads use that were obviously part of a larger picture.

6
My favorite photos of this type usually have some type of floating body part in the frame. Probably an ex-husband or lover. Maybe even an embarrassing hookup from the company Christmas party. For some reason the women that sent photos of this type felt it was the best representation of them as a person.

I agreed with these women.

I would never attempt to contact these potential mates. Id move on to other online suitors as I was smart enough to see what was right in front of my face unlike so many others.

I mean think about it for a moment

These women had engaged in a relationship of some sort with men & women theyd met and hooked up with through whatever means. The shit hadnt worked out and bother parties had gone their opposite ways.

but theyd kept the photos of their time together however brief it wasand decided to use that as a visual representation of themselves.

Cropped or not, I was determined not to be a floating body part.

Seriously ladies guys who use the internet to search for potential mates are usually looking for sex. Guys want ass plain and simple its not Chinese arithmetic. We need sexy pics to decide if were going to contact you. Were big dumb visual animals for the most part.

So, that being said I was searching the emailed photos for at least a cleavage shot. Some of the women that obliged my interest with a photo were the last people who should have a camera.

I spent little over a week pouring over the few emails in my inbox. And frankly, I was beginning to get a little discouraged. Honestly there wasnt much to choose from.

Either the chick with visible razor stubble and roman haircut or the soccer mom that looks like the classic Jack Kirby version of the Grey Hulk.

My quest being what it was I spent a lot of in-between time alternately channel surfing my flat screen television and on my laptop. Bar hopping had become a thing of the past since I took employment at an up & coming advertising firm. I worked as a concept/ storyboard artist in the small firm in Van Nuys.

I had been working on a deodorant commercial when I accidentally stumbled on the solution to my problem.
7
I was sketching out a panel on a particularly difficult stretch of my storyboarding assignment when I happened to look out my second floor office window.

My co-worker Barry was talking to some chick that had happened upon our office looking for work. I could make out the bespectacled visage of Barry in his best working dad ensemble from Sears.

He was on the make I was sure of that because he appeared to be fumbling his words and he was scratching his head incessantly.

Id had the pleasure of watching Barry anti-score on numerous occasions at our local watering hole.

Usually this being southern California Most women either ignored him or openly laughed in his face. But Barry was a trooper and would continue to hit on anything until last call when he would usually .. If he was lucky leave with the

BBW Chronicles prt 1
7:56PM on November 14, 2009



After my Blue period, Id decided that I was never going to be that Hard Up for whatever again. I began trolling the net, in particular dating sites.

Why, you might ask

.. I just didnt wanna settle anymore. I thought about all the times in the past that Id been fixed up, picked or just a victim of circumstances with women that were to say the least .. Toe Up from the Flo Up In particular I thought about my recent fixation on Johanna .. She was a fucking stick figure for Christs sake.

Rail muthafuckin thin No tits, no ass to speak of .. Big gumball type head and all.

What did I see in her anyway?

Who cared about her gentle nature and soft liquid eyes .. Eyes that were big, round and expressive Hidden behind large librarian glasses with slightly tinted frames .. Eyes that just kinda drew you in took you to a warm, safe place. Hazel in color with long expressive lashes.

and those lips Big, juicy plump adorning her oval face.

She stared out at all the world with the expression akin to a sad puppy dog.

but the wheels were turning behind those big expressive eyes. They always had been. Id dealt myself out of the game Toxic as it had become .. And I occasionally looked back in self loathing and disdain.

I silently admitted to myself that I was experiencing Sour Grapes

.. I was a Hater.

                                    and I was cool with it.

I would allow myself that small bit of humanity. Admitting that singular weakness would always keep me strong.

Id been trolling the web in search of my kind of woman .. A Big, Voluptuous, Curvy Vixen easy on the eyes

with a hint of a wild side.

Somebody looking for a good time. A woman that understood that some of the best times, could be found in the slightest of moments.

Yes, this time I would be as picky externally as I was psychologically inside. As I sat typing, I trolled down memory lane all the times Id shrugged my shoulders and banged some sub-standard version of my feminine ideal.

There was May a co-worker two jobs prior.

Shed chased me all over the office from the moment Id arrived. All I saw for the first two weeks when I moved in were her BIG, YELLOW TEETH grinning at me incessantly.

May was a BBW Big Beautiful Woman and you might be asking What was wrong with her since thats what youre about ?

Well quite simply speaking May was a fuckin disappointment of a BBW in the very literal since.

She was a beautiful African American woman, her features reminiscent of the Cheshire Cat with its perpetual snaky smile her sandy brown hair braided in neat corn rows reminding movie buff me of Queen Latifah in that movie

what was it ?

.. Oh yeah, Set It Off yeah thats what Im going for in this description.

May was into me and wasnt shy about letting it be known around the office. It took another three weeks and a do nothing Saturday night before I relented and had her over to my flat for a movie night.

Halfway into Sleepy Hollow, she played her hand quite literally when she shoved my zipper down and began vigorously jerking me off. Her enthusiasm inspired me and in short order we were spooning and conducting a treaty on heavy petting in my living room.

This was where my extreme disappointment with May began

I dug my eager fingers into the layers of her outer vestments a light blue cotton hoodie, a slight blue flannel shirt, an off white cotton tank top and finally, oh so finally into her sports bra to find a small barely there set of saggy tits ?!!

FUCK ME !! I kinda pulled my hand out of the sweaty recesses of her multiple shirts and leaned back on the couch while she continued working her jeweled fingers on my suddenly receding cock.

I played it off with a few phony complimentary moans, or at least I thought I did She seemed to notice almost immediately that I was (Unknown to her) happily going soft I intended to give her some bullshit about us being better as friends to explain away my flaccid member and thus escape a potential sexual encounter.

She was unknowing way ahead of my intended out as May suddenly shoved her mouth down on my cock.

In a few unfortunate moments I was afflicted with a raging boner and knew that Id have to put out Shit ! The broad had fucking serious head skills !!

.. I knew what banging May would mean There would be this awkward moment after we completed the deed that would be mind numbingly anticlimactic and both of us would work diligently for things to say to one another ..

.. I always had this stupid fantasy were I would bang the spit out of some extremely hot chick and immediately afterward, flip a nearby switch on some lamp or art fixture in the room a secret door with a pole inside would open and off Id be Batman Style leaving the awkward moment and chick with her literal ass in the air

Yeah, its nerdy and stupid , but I know Im not alone in wanting to excise the idiotic moral ritual of talking after recreational sex besides that when you usually find out what a douche either you or her are

I decided to throw my lot in with May and loose myself in the moment Besides, I am a serious Ass Man anyway. I reached over and began tugging away on her jeans. She grinned up at me with that fucking Cheshire cat smile of hers and stood up to take her pants off She turned her back to me as she half struggled to yank the skin tight jeans down. Her hoodie covered her butt and I gave her a playful smack on the ass.

there was no ass  
                                          ... May didnt have an ass Big or other wise

In fact the shit felt like it was fucking inverted How in the fuck could a BBW as cute as May have no tits and no fucking ass ?!!

She shrugged off the rest of clothing in my cramped little living room and stood smiling before me with her hands demurely over her delicate bits

I felt like laughing really ..

Felt like emitting a fucking belly laugh at the tan lined glory of May Denise Jeffries standing in my goddamn living room naked ..

a carpenters dream flat as a board and needs a screw

She kicked the matted, flowery granny panties off and took two steps towards me as I hit the switch on a nearby lamp like a panic button.

I doggie styled her on my poor couch recalling every decent lay Id ever had .. And even that didnt help .. In the end a combination of her eager hands and my imagination helped me cross the finish line

It took two more hours to get her out of my place during which I treated to a rambling monologue regarding her ex-husband, her problems with certain office workers and shown every picture of her three kids that she currently had in her massive handbag.

I felt like saying

Please spare me the crap !! Get the fuck on lady You won. You tricked me with your multiple layers of clothing, your sneaky smiles that hold the promise of absolutely nothing and last but not least .. The obligatory self obsessed conversation .. I dont care .. Do you need a bus token ?

Sounds mean dont it ?

Well, consider that I wasnt into her when I arrived a my place of employment seeking only a paycheck and nothing more. Yet through Machiavellian effort and perseverance on her part I actually put out.

She just didnt live up to the Hype of her own ceaseless self promotion. I unfortunately came [pun intended], saw and was miserably unimpressed.

Elizabeth Rollins on Porn Retirement
9:43PM on September 22, 2009

I discovered  the follwing post online while searching information for a clip on BBW Porn Star Elizabeth Rollins... I like to get accurate information  when making one of my signature series  "Spotlight On:

Elizabeth Rollins has retired from porn and indicates that after all this time ... "She has nothing to show for it."

I always have mixed feelings whenever I read interviews like the one that follows ...

I mean, am I supposed to feel guilty for loving the "m,ovies" and "pics' that this woman (Real Name reportes as "Jan") made during her tenure in the biz ?
 
.... Am I supposed to feel guilty for my sexuality , my inherent fetishes ?

I don't have an answer .... perhaps I never will.

Jan, a.k.a Elizabeth Rollings, a BBW porn star recently left the porn
industry and shares the truth in a candid interview with former porn
actress, Shelley Lubben. Please BEWARE this interview does contain adult
information and may not be suitable for minors. Although, statistics show
that the LARGEST group for viewing porn online is ages 12-17.
SL: How did you get into the sex industry?
ER: I was in my first movie because of an ad I answered on craigs list off the
internet. I needed money and it sounded easy to do so I thought, why not? I
knew it was wrong but I needed quick cash and of course it was legal, right? So I
did the movie and never told anyone until months later when I decided to do it full
time.
SL: Tell us about your childhood.
ER: My mom and dad divorced when I was three. My dad was a weekend dad
and my mom took all of the responsibility raising us. We never had much of
anything but my mom always tried to make sure that my older sister and I stayed
in good schools and out of bad neighborhoods. My mom met a man when I was
about 6 or 7 who whisked her off to Europe often and she would leave us with
her side of the family. This went on for the next couple of years until my sister
was about age 14 and I was about 11. We ended up homeless and went to live
with our Godmother who was very spank happy to to say the least.
I was becoming very bitter about my mom and dad not being there even though I
had accepted God in my heart at 7. When I was in 8th grade is when all the
trouble began and I started noticing boys. There were a lot of gangs and gang
fights and because of that I needed protection. I turned to clicks and pot heads
and underage parties and smoking cigarettes and boys. I was only 13 years old.
I was in a world of trouble when I met "Candyman". Candyman was a gangster
and offered me protection and a lot of attention. He took me home to meet his
parents. I trusted him and thought he loved me. He tied me up and raped me.
This was my first sexual experience. When he was done, he told me if I said
anything I would be hurt worse by him and his friends. Gangs began to harass
our family so we moved out of the neighborhood.
In high school I was into getting high and smoking cigarettes and having sex with
my boy friend. Even though I was an A student, we constantly partied and had
sex. At age 17 I ran away from home. My boyfriend and I were living in a friend's
rat infested basement for 200 a month and soon I became pregnant. I attained
my GED and traded in my hopes of becoming a nurse for becoming a mom and
wife. I married my boyfriend and we had three children together.
SL: What led you into the sex industry?
ER: I worked off and on sometime two jobs to make up the lack of my husband's
laziness. He never wanted to work. I got involved in prostituting at 19 and I
worked for a women who had about 50 other girls working for her. I did topless
massage and dominatrix work off and on for two years. I also pursued modeling
because it had always been a passion of mine to be a model even though I am
plus size. My husband knew I was doing sex work and didn't care.
I always loved to act and was involved in school plays growing up. I did a lot of
promotional modeling and some street acting, but having to work a 12 hour shift
as a cna (certified nursing aide) and take care of three kids kind of killed the
dream. My husband and I divorced in 2004 for obvious reasons and my financial
stress grew and grew. I had been to church a couple of times but to me it wasnt
enough. I felt like a horrible mother and provider. I made my first porno after
answering an ad in craigslist. I felt so ashamed and yet sexy at the same time.
Even though the money was good, I had no intention of doing another one.
I ended up doing about 40 movies, 20+ websites, 3 magazines, 3 expos,
countless online interviews and finally my own website. But yet I have nothing to
show for it.
SL: What was the porn industry like?
ER: I was in Las Vegas so I had to drive back and forth to the porn industry in
California four times a week. The money was great and my new boyfriend who
recently lost his job, was loving every minute of it, traveling, seeing me have sex
with other men and with other women. To him we had it made. I started making a
name for myself in the BBW niche. I was in high demand and started loving the
attention. My kids were fed, happy and had what they needed when they needed
it. My boyfriend and I stayed in nice hotels and ate at good resturants. I bought
him things and even helped him out with his own kids.
I got more and more requests for fetish films. After much pressure from porn
producers, I finally caved in and did a 25 guy movie. I never thought I would have
done something like that. I felt disgusted and violated, but what was I going to
do? I was paid well for it and needed the money desperately.
SL: OH MY GOSH. What was it like to make a 25 guy movie?
ER: For two days I had to fast. I drank heavily one day prior before I did the
movie. When I got on the set I felt really sick to my stomach. I wanted to turn
around and run when I walked through the door and saw all the male porn stars
and film crew standing there. I zoned out and wanted it to be over. I kept saying
to myself, "this is going to be over in an hour. You can do it.". I wanted to break
down and cry but I hid behind my fake smile.
During the movie I mentally and emotionally checked out and felt like I died. I
don't remember real well the pain and trauma I went through. After it ended,
everybody wanted to take pictures with me and get my autograph. Here I am
standing there with bodily fluids all over me and people wanted to take pictures
with me. It was horrible. My body was sore the next couple of days and I wasn't
right mentally for two weeks after that. I wasn't able to use to the bathroom right
either. My internal system was totally messed up.
SL: Did you lie to your fans and clients? What lies did you tell them?
ER: Of course I lied to my fans. I led them to believe I lived a fantasy life which
was far from the truth. I fed into their fantasies. I said I wanted sex 24/7 and
made it seem like I absolutely loved what I did and was living this happy life. I
gave them hope and insight into their relationships by telling them what to do, or
if I were with them what I would do to them. I started to feel like an important
nobody, they knew Elizabeth Rollings, but they would never care to know Jan.
SL: Were you exposed to drugs and alcohol?
ER: Yes, the first time was at the 2006 AVN Porn Convention after party. I didnt
do them but saw other porn stars using drugs. I was seriously tempted to but
instead I got drunk and fooled around with a lot of other people in the "sex room"
of the suite. I was still kind of new to the industry but I think after time, I would
have used drugs. I always drank heavily before I did a movie.
SL: In your experience, how many other porn stars or sex workers use
drugs and alcohol?
ER: I would guess around 90%. It becomes an escape route to reality, a
temporary vacation from it all.
SL: What was the worst thing about the sex industry? Or a worst
experience for you?
ER: The feeling that you are not in control of your own life. You have to submit to
others (producers, agents, etc..) no matter HOW important you think you are,
you're not in control. Being called a bitch and being told it was all apart of "acting"
the part. Having men do disgusting things to me and even if it hurt, I had to make
it seem like I was enjoying every minute of it. I hated it.
SL: Where was God while you were in the sex industry?
ER: In my heart and in my subconscious, pulling on my heart strings, painfully
and patiently waiting. Many times God saved me from harm, especially from
sexually transmitted diseases.
SL: Why did you leave the sex industry?
ER: I left because I was on the verge of suicide. I hated who I had become. I
hated looking in the mirror. I hated not having any "real" relationships with people
and most importantly I was desperate for love. There is a website on me for
which I have no part in, the man who owns it will not take it down. I had a
contract with him and put much time and effort into this site, but after 8 months of
mental and emotional abuse, financial threats and much more, I chose to part
ways with him. He made threats to "break" me financially because I wouldn't
bend to his will. I told everyone I could that I wasnt associated with the site
anymore and he was not happy about it. My nerves were shot, I couldn't take it
anymore, I was physically sick and had to go to the ER for a nervous meltdown,
enough was enough. I didn't care about my name anymore. I didn't care about a
temporary financial fix. I wanted to be a good Mother for my children and show
them that life is not about the easy way out of things, but about the road less
traveled. I left for the sake of my sanity and my soul.
SL: Where are you now in rebuilding your life?
ER: I'm struggling with finances and I don't know how my bills are going to be
paid, rent, food, supplies, but I know God is faithful and I'm NOT turning back
again. I'm back in with my church and just started a job at Starbucks, for which
I'm so grateful to God for. I'm honestly on the verge of losing a lot, but have a
peace I haven't felt in years. I know God is with me and has a plan for my life.
**If you would like to help Jan as she rebuilds her life, please click here to
learn how. She is a single mother of three children so she greatly needs
our help with food and rent. Why not get your church involved and adopt
Jan and her kids this new year? Please also visit her myspace to send her
encouraging comments. She really needs our love and support right now.
I want to seriously thank Jan for her courage to share her story. Many
women want to hide and never think about porn again due to the
overwhelming shame and guilt but not Jan. She is allowing God to use her
mess to be a strong message to the world that PORN DESTROYS and only
God is able to utterly save you from whatever you are going through! To
learn more about God's perfect plan for your life please click here. If you
want help out of the sex industry PLEASE email me at
urgent@shelleylubben.com
YOU ARE MADE FOR GREATER THINGS THAN WASTING YOUR LIFE ON
PORN. WHETHER PORN STAR OR PORN ADDICT, PORN WILL DESTROY
YOU. LITTLE BY LITTLE, DAY BY DAY, PORN WILL CHIP AWAY AT YOU
UNTIL YOU ARE TOTALLY SHATTERED.
PLEASE LISTEN TO US. MANY EX PORN ACTORS AND ACTRESSES HAVE
PAID HUGE PRICES AND LOST THEIR LIVES TO PORN. WE LOVE YOU
AND DON'T WANT THE SAME THING TO HAPPEN TO YOU!
Need help? Please visit www.shelleylubben.com to get help for porn
addiction, sex industry abuse and other struggles. We love you!