BBW Chronicles prt 2
9:33PM on November 17, 2009





                  A platonic female friend expressed her disgust with my attitude and actually called me a pig when I regaled her of my experience with May.

I didnt feel that I had behaved like a swine, but in retrospect maybe I shouldnt have expressed myself so plainly to my associate. I had been honest in my non-interest in my coworker and yet, I had taken the cheese so to speak when I got hot and heavy with her.

Id bought the whole bag of bullshit when Id unwrapped my polished turd that fateful Saturday night.
Why was I a pig because I didnt like a particular sexual experience Id had with an over eager stalker at my place of employment ?

So I resolved to be completely honest in my attempts to seek the BBW booty call of my dreams
my Ad on the net went a little something like this.

Single black male currently residing in Los Angeles county ... Creative, deep thinking type with a love of beautiful, voluptuous creatures Reasonably good looking, intellectual type ( yes, I wear glasses.)....RACE OPEN ... Beautiful ( Okay, easy on the eyes .)individual with a womanly body and an easy going demeanor. Must have things going on in their own circle. I'm looking for some one with an hour glass figure
( Preferably with a little more sand on the bottom.)
..Hey, it's my preference and I'm just being honest.
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Yep, that was my open and honest internet ad which I spread liberally around on several sites including Yahoo & Google but mostly on BBW sites I figured that it would be easier there because that was my preference and that perhaps none of the women who responded to my ads would be inclined to lie about their stats.

boy was I wrong

seriously, you wouldnt believe some of the freaky ass messages that started to fill up my inbox.

It was a horrific comedy of Errors that read something like this .


Who do you think you are putting conditions on your time ?!! Youre not hot anyway Maybe if you looked like Djimon Hounsou How big is your dick ?

Hipster Gurl

I dont have no Big Ass or nothin. I aint cute or curvy but you should go out with me anyway. Men should like a woman for her personality. Im a great girl and fuck you if you dont wanna get to know me Im very funny.
P.S. Ill be waiting for your call.
P.S. seriously I want you to call me.
P.S. Fuck you if you dont call me bro

Funny Snow Bunny

I want me some of that big phat nigger cock.
John E. Dangerously


Do you accept Jesus as your Lord and Personal Savior ?
Anonymous Asian


I got a strap-on with your name on it First I do you, then maybe just maybe You do me.
Kiki

You still havent called me fuck face.
P.S. Im a very nice girl.
Funny Snow Bunny


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What is your political affiliation ?
P.S. How big is your penis ?
Sammy


That last email was accompanied by an attached photo file of the ugliest, moose faced, butch looking, mushroomed haircut woman I have ever seen. Looked like fucking Lyle Lovett in drag or something. It was a goddamn Christmas photo that looked like it was taken by someone under extreme duress. It was slightly out of focus.

Sammy even had two small children in the photo with her.

I doubt they were hers Theres not enough alcohol on the planet that would help that woman conceive.

They were all dressed like dorks in matching red cardigans huddled up together in a neat little triangle of a pose. Adult on top Kids doubled up on the bottom.

I kinda wondered why she would send me a picture including images of her children. I mean youre meeting a complete stranger on the internet. I dont care how I look in my posted photos Im a stranger.

Theres something fucking idiotic and perverted about women sending pictures of and including their children to some guy thats a potential hookup.

I mean, I get it seriously, I get it.

Its one of those my kids are part of the deal type maneuvers. I really get it ladies .. Youre looking for a serious relationship and through some fault not necessarily your own Youre doing the internet dating thing.

But think for a moment Sending pictures of your God given babies to a complete stranger who may or may not be the next John Wayne Gacy or Jeffrey Dahmer Real fucking genius right there ladies.

Keep on looking for that Mr. Goodbar okay ?

The photos that I got were even more disappointing and mind numbingly hilarious. Most of them were maniacally cropped to little more than a smiling face. If youve ever done the internet thing, you know what Im talking about. The sliced up photo these broads use that were obviously part of a larger picture.

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My favorite photos of this type usually have some type of floating body part in the frame. Probably an ex-husband or lover. Maybe even an embarrassing hookup from the company Christmas party. For some reason the women that sent photos of this type felt it was the best representation of them as a person.

I agreed with these women.

I would never attempt to contact these potential mates. Id move on to other online suitors as I was smart enough to see what was right in front of my face unlike so many others.

I mean think about it for a moment

These women had engaged in a relationship of some sort with men & women theyd met and hooked up with through whatever means. The shit hadnt worked out and bother parties had gone their opposite ways.

but theyd kept the photos of their time together however brief it wasand decided to use that as a visual representation of themselves.

Cropped or not, I was determined not to be a floating body part.

Seriously ladies guys who use the internet to search for potential mates are usually looking for sex. Guys want ass plain and simple its not Chinese arithmetic. We need sexy pics to decide if were going to contact you. Were big dumb visual animals for the most part.

So, that being said I was searching the emailed photos for at least a cleavage shot. Some of the women that obliged my interest with a photo were the last people who should have a camera.

I spent little over a week pouring over the few emails in my inbox. And frankly, I was beginning to get a little discouraged. Honestly there wasnt much to choose from.

Either the chick with visible razor stubble and roman haircut or the soccer mom that looks like the classic Jack Kirby version of the Grey Hulk.

My quest being what it was I spent a lot of in-between time alternately channel surfing my flat screen television and on my laptop. Bar hopping had become a thing of the past since I took employment at an up & coming advertising firm. I worked as a concept/ storyboard artist in the small firm in Van Nuys.

I had been working on a deodorant commercial when I accidentally stumbled on the solution to my problem.
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I was sketching out a panel on a particularly difficult stretch of my storyboarding assignment when I happened to look out my second floor office window.

My co-worker Barry was talking to some chick that had happened upon our office looking for work. I could make out the bespectacled visage of Barry in his best working dad ensemble from Sears.

He was on the make I was sure of that because he appeared to be fumbling his words and he was scratching his head incessantly.

Id had the pleasure of watching Barry anti-score on numerous occasions at our local watering hole.

Usually this being southern California Most women either ignored him or openly laughed in his face. But Barry was a trooper and would continue to hit on anything until last call when he would usually .. If he was lucky leave with the