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MistressLee
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| Some Funnies - Submitted: Nov 04, 2007 02:16 PM
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#1 |
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Post some funnies we all need some laughter..
This Thread has some AWESOME Funnies!!!!!!!
What do you call yours??
A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar.
But what the heck, he says to himself, 'I can really use a drink.' When
the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, 'What's the name of
your wee-wee?'
The cowboy says, 'Look, I'm not into any of that, all I want is a drink.'
The gay waiter says, 'I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the
name of your weewee. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just
Do It,'
and that guy down at the end of the bar calls his, Snickers, because it
really Satisfies.'
The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a
second to
think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is
sipping on a beer,
'Hey bud, what's the name of yours?'
The man looks back and says with a smile 'Timex,' and the thirsty cowboy
asks,
'Why Timex?' The fella proudly replies, 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps
on tickin!'
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fellas on his right, who happen to
be
sharing a fruity Margarita and says, 'So, what do you guys call yours?'
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, 'FORD, because Quality is
Job One.'
Then he adds, 'Have you driven a Ford lately?' The guy next to him then
says,
'I call mine CHEVY, 'Like A Rock.'' and gives a wink.
Even more shaken the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up
with a name. He exclaims, 'The name of my weewee is 'SECRET.' Now give me a
beer.'
The bartender begins to pour the Cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look
asked,
'Why Secret?' The cowboy says,
'Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!
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MistressLee
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| Some Funnies - Submitted: Nov 04, 2007 02:17 PM
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#2 |
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Classes for men..
_________________________
FALL CLASSES FOR MEN
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Monday, October 29, 2007
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
14 Steps to a new beginning...
Classes begin Monday, November 15th, 2007
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturday at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM ..
Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM .
Class 7 !
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down.
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesday at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday noon , 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesday at 7:00 PM, location to be determined.
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours ! Beginning at 7 :00 PM
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates. Plus! Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:0 0 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14
The Stove/Oven/Dishwasher --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesday at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
Send this to all the guys that you think can stand the heat,
and to all the ladies for the best chuckle of their day!
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MrElevenInch
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| Some Funnies - Submitted: Nov 04, 2007 02:21 PM
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#3 |
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Mines called Vortex(after a brand of bleach)'cause its THICKER than the average LMMFAO 
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MistressLee
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| Some Funnies - Submitted: Nov 04, 2007 02:22 PM
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#4 |
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Original Post by MrElevenInch
Mines called Vortex(after a brand of bleach)'cause its THICKER than the average LMMFAO
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shooterss412
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| Some Funnies - Submitted: Nov 04, 2007 02:24 PM
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#5 |
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MistressLee
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| Some Funnies - Submitted: Nov 04, 2007 03:11 PM
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#6 |
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The Genie
Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Texan are all working together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give each on you one wish, which is three wishes in total", says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada ."
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come in our precious land."
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Texan says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."
The Texan sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, "Fill it with water."
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StringsObs..
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| Some Funnies - Submitted: Nov 04, 2007 03:13 PM
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#7 |
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StringsObs..
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| Some Funnies - Submitted: Nov 04, 2007 03:13 PM
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#8 |
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MistressLee
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| Some Funnies - Submitted: Nov 04, 2007 03:26 PM
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#9 |
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10 Dog peeves about humans:
1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not
funny at all!!!
2. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN'
DOG, YOU IDIOT!
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check
stuff out! Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my
nose... stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now
you know why we
chew your stuff up when you're not home.
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You
fooled a dog!
Whoooo-Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the
top of the food chain.
7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then
acting surprised
when I freak out every time we go back!
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your
guests. Sorry,
but I haven't quite mastered that handshake
thing yet.
9. Dog sweaters. Hello???, Haven't you noticed the
fur?
10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself.
Look, we both know
the truth, you're just jealous!
Now lay off me on some of these thing's, We both
know who's boss
here!!!
(You don't see me picking up your poop do you)???
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johnboy78
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| Some Funnies - Submitted: Nov 04, 2007 03:28 PM
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#10 |
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Original Post by MistressLee
The Genie
Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Texan are all working together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give each on you one wish, which is three wishes in total", says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada ."
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come in our precious land."
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Texan says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."
The Texan sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, "Fill it with water."
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OMFG that there is funny i dont care who you are....i damn near spit my soda across the room great joke 
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MistressLee
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| Some Funnies - Submitted: Nov 04, 2007 03:32 PM
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#11 |
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Original Post by johnboy78
OMFG that there is funny i dont care who you are....i damn near spit my soda across the room great joke
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GREAT!!! I thought so too So I decided to share...
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StringsObs..
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| Some Funnies - Submitted: Nov 04, 2007 03:55 PM
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#12 |
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One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell. "No," OJ said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented OJ.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said . . .
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
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MistressLee
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| Some Funnies - Submitted: Nov 04, 2007 04:43 PM
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#13 |
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Be careful or you will fall off ur chair
--- I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing abou t being 104?' the reporter asked. She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
--- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
--- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied. 'Two years older than me.' 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented. She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'
--- I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject t o blackouts. Have bouts with dementia.. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
--- A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says, 'Doc, I want my sex drive lowered.' 'Sir,' replied the doctor, 'you're 97 Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?' 'You're damned right it is!' replied the old man. 'That's why I want it lowered!'
--- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. 'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?' 'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week
---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
---It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
---The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.
---These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'
---I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called 'Buns of Putty.'
---Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.
---Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up!
--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
---THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
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MistressLee
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| Some Funnies - Submitted: Nov 04, 2007 05:29 PM
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#14 |
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HE : Can I buy you a drink?
SHE : Actually I'd rather have the money.
HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE : I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
HE : Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE : I must've been given your share.
HE : Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE : Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.
HE : Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs.
HE : Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE : Okay, get out.
HE : I think I could make you very happy.
SHE : Why? Are you leaving?
HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
HE : Can I have your name?
SHE : Why? Don't you already have one?
HE : Shall we go see a movie?
SHE : I've already seen it.
HE : Where have you been all my life?
SHE : Hiding from you.
HE : Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE : Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.
HE : Is this seat empty?
SHE : Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
HE : So, what do you do for a living?
SHE : I'm a female impersonator.
HE : Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE : Do not enter.
HE : Your body is like a temple.
SHE : Sorry, there are no services today.
HE : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE : If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
FORWARD TO WOMEN IN NEED OF SOME LAUGHS
(and men who may appreciate good humor)
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johnboy78
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| Some Funnies - Submitted: Nov 04, 2007 06:33 PM
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#15 |
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Doing the dishes
A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always wanted a big Harley. He shops around, answering ads in the newspaper, and is not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner.
"This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape.
"Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.
The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).
That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.
"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go.
The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.
So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.
"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.
Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."
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