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jokes 3
3:50PM on June 21, 2011

(61)A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order.
    He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
    The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid.
    went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.
    What does he think this place is... an auto parts store?"
   "No," the cook said.
   "Three flats tires means three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices crisp bacon."
   "Oh, OK!" said the blonde.
    She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
    The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
    She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might want to gas up!



(62)Four friends are about too tee off.
    But one of them had to run back into the Pro shop to purchase tees.
    As they waited, they started to talk about their son's.
    First guys said, "My son is so rich, he bought his best friend a gold rollex."
    The second guy speaks up and says, "My son is so rich, he bought his best friend a new Lexus."
    The third guy speaks up proudly and says, "My son is so rich, he bought his best friend a house."
    By this time the fourth guy walks out from the Pro shop and the other three ask how his son is doing.
    He replies, "I just found out he is gay and is striping at a gay bar.
    But he is doing good for himself.
    One customer bought him a gold rollex.
    Another bought him a new Lexus.
    And one just bought him a house..."



(63)A guy who dies and finds himself in Hell.
    However, hell was nothing like he had expected.
    It was a huge bar, swarming with beautiful blonds, brunettes and redheads.
    And behind the main bar were dozens of liquor bottles, with labels of the finest liquors known to man.
    So the guy moseys up to the bar, intending to partake of the booze and the women.
   "I'll have a shot of your finest bourbon," he told the bartender.
   "See all those bottles?" asked the bartender.
   "They all have holes in the bottom."
   "That's too bad," said the guy.
   "But at least there's still the women."
   "Yep," replied the barkeep, "but they don't."



(64)Hows a blonde turn the lights on after sex? Opens the car door !!!



(65)A cop spotted a woman driving and knitting at the same time.
    Coming up beside her, he said, "Pullover."
   "No," she replied, "A pair of socks."



(66)John and Fred had donned their bathing suits and planned a day on the beach.
    As they strolled through the sand, the sunny day was full of lovely young women.
    As they casually wandered back and forth taking in the sights.
    Fred was noticing to his great dismay that all the pretty girls were giving John the eye, and he felt, well, ignored.
   Okay. Lets hold on here, Fred says to John.
   Now look. Neither one of us is a bad looking person.
    Youve got a tan.
    Ive got a tan.
    My hair is long and wavy like yours.
    What is going on? John chuckles and says, Okay, Ill tell you my secret.
    That produce market we passed across the road, I bought a big potato and put it down my bathing suit.
    Seriously, thats what the gals are noticing.
    Fred excused himself and ran back to the produce place and took Johns advice.
    However, he noticed that the pretty girls were looking away and frowning as he passed.
   Hey, pal, Fred said when he caught up with John, Your idea aint working for me!
    John looks his buddy over and said, Fred, it needs to be in the front.



(67)Three strings walking down the street one hot day.
    When they came to a bar one of the strings suggested going in to get a cold beer.
    The other two strings said, "Go ahead, we'll wait out here and if you succeed we'll come join you."
    So the string walks in, sits down at a bar stool and orders a beer.
    Bartender looks at him and says, "We don't serve strings."
    So he went out and told the other two.
    The second string puts a hat on and walks in and tries but gets the same result.
    He walks out and tells the other two there is no way they are going to get a drink in this bar.
    The third string thinks for a second, ruffles himself up and ties himself in a knot, goes in and orders a beer.
    The bartender looks at him with suspicion and asks, "Are you a string?" String replies, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot!"



(68)Bill and Joe are camping.
    At daybreak, Bill wakes up Joe, "Run!" Bill yells, "There's a grizzly in the camp!"
    Joe starts to put his boots on.
    Bill exclaims, "Are you crazy? That won't help you outrun the bear!"
    Joe responds, "I don't have to outrun the bear.
    I just have to outrun you."



(69)A guy goes to Hell.
    the Devil tells him that now you can pick your own personal Hell!
    So he takes him to see his choices.
    The first door shows people standing on their heads. On a hardwood floor.
    The guy decides to move on and see the other choices.
    The next one shows people on a concrete floor on their heads.
    He decides to move on.
    The next door has people, knee deep in poop, drinking coffe.
    He decides on that one.
    Then, some guard yells, "Okay, coffe break is over! Back on your heads!"



(70)If you love someone set them if they don't come back -
    hunt'em down and kill'em.




(71) toilets walk into the bar.
     Bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here."
     Toilets ask why not.
     Bartender says, "Dudes, get out of here, you're full of crap."



(72)My friend bought one of those get rich quick programs and paid a big hefty sum for it.
    It was called How To Quit Your Job And Earn One Million Dollars! I told him he was craZY .
    HE SAID, "OKAY, SMARTY Pants, I will show you, I just quit my job and I am halfway there!"



(73)A man's wife left for a meeting, but before she went, she told her husband there was ham salad in the frig for him.
    He was watching sports, got hungry, and went and made himself a sandwich.
    When his wife got home, she told him he had eaten the dog food.
    and he said, "Wow that was great" looked at the can and saw "This is USDA approved.
    He started eating it everyday, three times a day.
    His wife in the meantime went to see the doctor about her own problems, and the doctor asked, "How's your husband?"
    She told him about the dog food, and the doctor said, "He's got to stop that."
    Two weeks later the woman went back to the doctor and the doctor asked, "How's your husband."
    She cried and said they buried him yesterday.
    The doctor asked, "Was it the dog food?"
    and the lady said, "NO, that was fine.
    He was sitting out in the street licking his nuts and a car hit him."



(74)Husband and wife go to his company party.
    Next moring hungover he asks what happened last night.
    Wife says, "Well, as usuall you made an ass out of yourself in front of your boss."
    Husband says, "Piss on him."
    Wife says, "You did and got fired."
    Husband says, "Screw him."
    Wife says, "I did.
    You go back to work tomorrow."



(75)Why do brunettes dye their hair blonde?
    So they have an excuse for being stupid.



(76)Why did the blond smile when she saw lightning?
    Because she thought someone was taking a picture of her.



(77)A fifteen-year-old country boy and his father went to a mall.
    They were amazed by

Joke's 2
5:46AM on April 23, 2011

(41)Two blonds in upstate New York were sitting out one night looking at the full moon.
    when Blond #1 said, "I wonder which is closer the moon or Florida.
  " Blond #2 said, "Hello, can you see Florida?"


(42)A guy stumbles out of a bar at 2 AM.
    He has a hard time unlocking his car.
    He finally gets in but canot find the ignition.
    After a minute, the key finds its way in and he starts the car.
    As he pulls away, a cop who is watching all this hits the lights and siren to pull him over.
    The man is asked to step out of the car for a field sobriety test - which he passes with flying colors.
    The cop shakes his head and says, "I saw you stumble to your car after leaving the bar.
    You could not unlock the car.
    When you did, you had problems getting it started.
    You are a danger to everyone on the road but I can't figure it out - you passed every test I gave you."
    The man smiled and said, "You don't understand officer, I am the designated decoy."


(43)Your mama so fat she has to use a bunjee cord to pull her pants up!!!



(44)This professor at a co-educational college was fond of telling dirty jokes.
    This was great with the fellows.
    However the females hated this sort of thing.
    So, the women held a "secret" meeting behind his back.
    They decided that, on a cue, they would all walk out of the professor's class, at the slighestt hint that he was going to tell one of his "filthy stories.
  " Somehow, the "perfessor" got wind of their plot.
    On the very next day, he began with, "Ladies and gentlemen, I understand that there is a shortage of whores in Paris."
    True to their plan, the women began walking out of the class.
    The professor shouted, "Wait, Ladies! The plane doesn't leave until five o' clock this evening."


(45)Which side of the dog is the hairiest?
    Answer: The outside

(46)This teacher of the third grade invited the students to go to the chalkboard and draw the source of the most excitement in their (individual) homes.
    There were the usual (and expected) TV sets, cars, etc.
    This boy made two dots on the board.
    The teacher was puzzled, as so was the rest of the class.
    She demanded, "Bobby, what are those two dots for?"
   "They are also called periods, right, teacher?"
   "Yes!"
   "Well, teacher, those are the amount of periods that my bigger sister has missed.
    and it is CAUSING ALL KINDS OF EXCITEMENT IN OUR HOME!!"


(47)Why do people take their toilets to the twilight zone with them?
   ANSWER - so they can do do do do do do do do do do do do do. (when saying the do do part it sounds like the theme from the twilight zone).



(48)A man and his wife were traveling abroad.
    He went for a walk one afternoon while his wife took a nap, and was approached by a street walker.
    She wanted $100, but he only offered $20.
    No deal.
    Later he was going to dinner with his wife, and they ran into the same street walker.
    She yelled at the husband, "Hey Mr. cheapskate!
    See what you get for $20."


(49)Why do ghost speaks Latin?
    It's a DEAD language


(50)A guy sit's down in a cafe and asks for the hot chilli.
    The waitress says,"The guy next to you got the last bowl."
    He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chilli bowl is still full.
    He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
    The other guy says, "No help yourself."
    He takes it and starts to eat.
    When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something.
    He looks down and sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes all of the chilli back into the bowl.
    The other guy says,"That's about as far as I got, too."


(51)How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    Four: one to hold the bulb and three to turn the stool.


(52)Bill and Joe agree to a swimming race.
    Since the stream is only 8" deep, they agree to use the breast stroke.
    Halfway in the race, Joe yells, "I don't think I can finish! Sometihng is holding me back!"
    Bill yells back, "I think it might be the sight of that beautiful blonde you saw sunning herself naked 100 yards ago!"



(53)You ever wonder how police on bikes arrest people?
   "Alright, sir, step into the basket."



(54)Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it.
    He decided to ask his shrink what to do.
    The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him.
    If he cusses while he tells you his wish list.
    leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gifts he requests."



(55)A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.
    They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace."
    The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
    After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said.
   "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this.
    somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location.'"



(56) A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.
     While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
     He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
     He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"
     A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.
     A Captain said it was 50-50%.
     A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure,
     depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
     There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee.
     What was HIS opinion? Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
     The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why? "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
     The room fell silent.
     God Bless the enlisted man.
    "Every job is a self-portrait of the person who did it."



(57)Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"
    Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts.
    I mean I fart all the time,"
    The Doctor nods, "Hmm."
    Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them.
    It's just that I fart all the time.
    Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times.
    You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
    "Hmm," says the Doctor.
     He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
     The patient is thrilled "Great doc.
    This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"
   "No," sighs the Doctor.
   "The prescription is to clear your sinuses.
    Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."



(58)One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
    The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
    When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
    And that's how the fight started.

    My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
    I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
   'No,' she answered.
   I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
   She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes.'
   So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
   And that's when the fight started.

   I took my wife to a restaurant.
   The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
   "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
    He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
   "Nah, she can order for herself."
    And that's when the fight started.

   My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
   I asked her, "Do you know him?"
  "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend.
   I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
  "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started.

   When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
   But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first.
   the shed.
   the boat.
   making beer. Always something more important to me.
   Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
   When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
   I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
   I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
   I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
   The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

   My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
   She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust."
   And then the fight started.

   Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.
   I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
   The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
   I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
   I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
   My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
   And that's how the fight started.
   My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
   She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
   I bought her a bathroom scale.
   And then the fight started.

   My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
   She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
   I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
   I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
   And then the fight started.





(59)A guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder.
    He orders a drink for himself, and the monkey jumps down and starts running around all over the bar.
    taking olives, potato chips, buffalo wings and other food from people's plates and eating them.
    Pretty soon, the monkey grabs a cue ball from the pool table and swallows it.
    The guy apologizes, pays for the damages and gets the monkey and leaves.
    A few weeks later, the same guy comes back into the bar, with the monkey.
    Again, the monkey jumps down and runs around stealing people's food.
    This time, he takes the food, sticks it in his ass, then eats it.
    The bartender says, "Hey, do you see what that monkey is doing?
    He's sticking the food in his butt and then eating it!"
    The guy says, "Yeah, he's been doing that.
    Ever since he passed that cue ball he tries everything out for fit first."

(60)A plane is flying under the control of a Jewish captain.
    His co-pilot is Chinese.
    With an awkward silence the two seem to have a mutual dislike.
    Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot,
    leans back in his seat, and says, I dont like Chinese.
    No like Chinese? asks the co-pilot, Why not?
    You people bombed Pearl Harbour, thats why!
    No, no, the co-pilot protests, Chinese not bomb Peahl Harbah.
     That Japanese, not Chinese.
     Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamesedoesnt matter, youre all alike.
     Theres a few more minutes of silence I no like Jews,
     the co-pilot suddenly announces.
    Oh, yeah, why not, asks the captain.
    Jews sink Titanic, says the co-pilot.
    What? Thats insane! Jews didnt sink the Titanic, exclaims the captain,
    It was an iceberg! Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , no mattahall same.

Jokes 1
11:30PM on March 30, 2011

Hello



(2)Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said: "Where did you get such a great bike?"
   The second engineer replied: "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up this bike.
   She threw the bike to the ground, took off her clothes and said: "Take what you want.
" The other engineer nodded approvingly: "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."


(3)Do you know why it takes women longer to shower than men?
   Men don't have to slow down for the speed bumps & the curves


(4)Two cops are talking, one cop says that every time he pulls over a drunk, he always says that he only had 2 beers.
   The next time I pull one over & he tells me the truth, I let him go.
   Later that day he pulls over a drunk driver.
   He's so drunk the cop has to hold him up.
   He asked the drunk what has he been drinking?
   The drunk said: "Beer.
" The cop asked how many.
   The drunk puts up one finger & then a second finger.
   The cop said: "Two!!!
" The drunks said: "No, 11."


(5)A man was stopped by the police.
   the officer walked up and told the man: "You were speeding, can I see your drivers license?"
   Man says: "I ain't got one.
   what about insurance ...oh, yes that is in the glove box under my gun."
  "GUN?" the officer asked.
  "Yes, my gun, the one I killed the guy in the trunk with."
   The officer said: "Just stay, I will be right back.
  "The officer radioed for his sergeant to come out.
   When the sergeant arrived he told him about the gun the dead body and no license.
   The Sergent went to the car and told the guy: "The officer told me you don't have a license and have a gun in the glove box and a body in the trunk."
  "I don't know what he is talking about.
   Here is my license and there is the glove box you can see their is nothing in it.
   I'll bet that lying son-of-a- bitch even told you I was speeding, didn't he?!"


(6)Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter.
   However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south.
   In a short time, ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen.
   A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow.
   The sparrow thought it was the end.
   But, the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings.
   Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing.
   Just then a large cat came by and, hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds.
   The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
   The moral of the story:
   1. Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy.
   2. Everyone who gets you out of the crap is not necessarily your friend.
   3. And, if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, keep your mouth shut.


(7)One morning a blonde's husband got up to go to work and the blonde thought:
  "Hmmmm , I should get up and paint the kitchen to prove to him that blondes aren't so stupid."
   Later that day the husband came home and seen that the blonde was wearing 8 coats and the husband said:
  "Honey, why are you wearing 8 coats?"
   she said: "Because the insructions on the paint can say to put on 8 coats to make it look better."


(8)It was Palm Sunday, and because of a sore throat 5-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter.
   When the Family returned home, they were carrying a few palm branches.
   Little Johnny asked what was they for, he was told people held them over Jesus head as he walked by.
  "Wouldn't you know it", he said, "the one Sunday I don't go, he shows up."


(9)A not too bright blonde called a drugstore.
   She told the pharmacist: "My boyfriend has dandruff, what should i do?
  "He said: "Give him some HEAD & SHOULDERS."
   She called back the next week & said: "He still has dandruff, how do you give shoulders?"


(10)Three men were at the gates of heaven waiting to enter.
    There was a sign that said "when asked you must say the truth in order to enter heaven".
    So when the first man was asked if he had ever cheated on his wife he said one time.
    Ok, enter heaven and you will have a Chevy to ride around heaven the rest of your days.
    The second man said many times when asked and was given a Ford to ride around heaven.
    The third answered he had never cheated and was given a Ferrari to ride around heaven.
    The next day the men with the Ford and Chevy see the other man crying in the Ferrari.
    They stopped to ask what was the matter.
    He said: I just seen my wife on a skate board.



(11)Drinking wine doesnt make you get fat.
    Only one thing if you drink way too much it makes you lean.
    against tables.
    chairs.
    floors.
    walls.
    And the ugliest people.


(12)Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.
    He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
    The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
    He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?
   "The operator says: "Calm down.
    I can help.
    First, let's make sure he's dead.
   "There is a silence.
    Then a shot is heard.
    Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"


(13)There once was a guy named Jack.
    And he fell madly in love with Jill.
    They went to a well one day to fetch some water.
    Jack, fell down and bruised his head.
    Jill surprised by Jack falling, came falling after.
    The moral of this story, don't go up a hill to get water- especially with someone named Jack!


(14)I dated a girl at one time.
    Her father said that she was to say "NO" to anything that I asked her.
    So I said "Do you mind if I kiss you?" She said "no".
    Her dad asked her when she got home, "Did you do as I asked".
    she said, "Yes." He was happy & so was I - what an evening I had!!



(15)Employers need to be more diplomatic when firing people.
    This is how an employer should fire an employee.
    "Well, Mr. Graves, you have been with us for a very long time.
     You have an outstanding record and you're an exemplary employee.
     We are very lucky to have you as an employee and we don't know what we'll do without you.
     But starting tomorrow we will find out."


(16)An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
   "Father", he confessed, "it has been one month since my last confession.
    I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.
   "The priest told the sinner, "You are forgiven . . . go and say three Hail Mary's."
    Soon after, another Irish man entered the confessional.
   "Father, it has been two months since my last confession.
    I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.
   "This time the priest questioned, "Who is this Nookie Green?"
   "A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replied.
    "Very well," sighed the priest, "Go and say ten Hail Mary's.
   "At mass the next morning - as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon and a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redhead entered the sanctuary.
    The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest.
    Her dress was green and very short.
    she wore matching shiny, emerald-green shoes.
    The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart.
    Enough for them to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
    The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, "Is that Nookie Green?

Airplane Passengers
12:16PM on May 03, 2010


Airplane Passengers

Heard from a friend who heard it in Arkansas.

This man and this woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man
sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what
she just saw and decides she is hallucinating. A few minutes pass.
The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off.
The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists.
A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off.
The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says,
"Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off!
What the hell kind of degenarate are you?" The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am.
I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze,
I have an orgasam." The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking
for it?" The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."

Dick Joke's
12:15PM on May 03, 2010

Dick Jokes

A family from Maine was visiting relatives in Georgia one summer. The little
boy from Maine was playing with his little girl cousin. Since it was so hot,
they stripped and waded in the creek for a while. As they were sunning
themselves afterward, the little girl drawled, "ya know, ah never knew there
was so much difference between a Yankee and a Southerner."

Little pussy
12:41PM on April 12, 2010

Little pussy on my bed
reddish pink ? ( or pinkish-red ?)
Little pussy what a sight !
All thosejuices gleaming bright.
Little pussy must be fed
With a fucking' big cockhead !
Sucking,fucking, swallowing load
While it goes down ronchy road.
Little pussy nice and wet 
Spread it open wide, we're all set
Little pussy oh so tight
May I spread you wide TONIGHT? ! ! ! !

Ode To Big Boob's
12:32PM on April 12, 2010

I love to suck a great big TiT
Inch by Inch, bit by bit
I love to her big breasts bare
They make my cum fly through the air!!
Oh goodness gracious! what big boob's!
They make my cum spurt out in goob's
Their to lick and suck ( not to mention titty-fuck ! ! )
They say that having such big boob's are just a waste
But it takes more then just a mouthfull
Toget the greatest taste ! ! !

A Grape-1- Why Grapes Are Like A Nipple ?
5:50AM on February 21, 2010

Hello
As I re-read your hot letter, I am right at his time eating grapes
and I am thinking ... of each as one closely resembling your nipples.
I touch one (the left one) with my tongue. It is glistening now as I
flick my tongue back and forth over it. It begins to harden as my moist
tongue probes it. I run my tongue back and forth over it as your
nipple starts to elongate and resembles a thick fat eraser as it starts
to become engorged. I am now savoring the flavor of the sweet slit of
the moist opening in the grape. I know you would help me cup your warm
breasts and squeeze it for me, so your nipple protrudes forward. That's
right my Sweet, squeeze it so the nipple stands out and pushes forward
towards my mouth. Gee, I just blew a wisp of air onto it, and your
teat got a bit more harder. You are so hot tonight my Darling.

I wish you were right here next to me and I didn't have to imagine
that these grapes were resembled your nipples. I noticed too that both
your areolas are a darker brown than usual. This is due to you are now
getting so hot for me during this foreplay. I savor your nipples again
by pushing your left nipple by using my lower teeth to grip just under
the bottom of your nipple. Now I can flick my tongue back and forth
across your nipple and against the roof of my mouth. Oh yes, Darling I
do! I can see that too is starting to drive you WILD!

I know you are starting to get very hot because you are trying to get
my member out of my pants. But, WAIT........you want to my hot mouth to
push your whole breast into my mouth.....Yes I know it feels good!..You
are moaning now.....I am trying to push your whole fleshy mound into my
mouth. I am slowly sucking it deeper and deeper until my whole mouth is
now covering the whole firm fleshy mound...Yes I know if feels so good!

My member has grown larger and begins to throb in my pants. Yes, Dear
I am too so hot for you. I help you unzip my pants and I am hard for
your love. My pants cannot contain my hard penis and I reach for it
with my right hand. Yes now I am taking the tip of my cock and bringing
it up to your left breast. Yes, Darling I know...it's so hard and
HOT! You want me to take the tip and place against your left nipple. Of
course...that's the one I've been massaging and sucking on so HARD for
you...and, yes I know it feels sooooo good!

With my left hand, I begin to rub your right nipple, while supporting
your firm breast in my right hand after I release hold of my cock. Now
you are getting pretty wild Sweetheart......you know what happens next!

You are getting so hot that you are squeezing the shaft of my cock
as you pulled next to your mouth. I know it feels so good..you love to
do this for me all the time. Quickly, now you are sliding your lips
over the head and down the length of my shaft. You are drawing my cock
fully in your mouth.. I know you're getting wet because I just ran my
hand down to your slit and you are dripping. Yes, does that feel good
my Darling...I know you are enjoying the whole thing...Yes, you said as
you put my cock back in your hot mouth again......I too am getting very
excited. I want to do to you what you are doing to me.

Yes, Baby now swing your legs over on top of me so I can savor your
juices. I am trying to adjust your pussy to my lips, but you are pushing
so hard on my face. I just flick your outer lips with my tongue to give
you a taste for what's ahead..Yes my Darling, I know my cock is so hard!
You are doing such a wonderful job of pleasing me. I am going to try to
please you equally well. I am reaching to pull your lips wider now so my
tongue can get closer to your sweetness. If fact, I just pushed two of
my fingers into your pussy. Let me see...Sweetheart, does that feel very
good.....Oh, yes I can tell.....You are really sucking my cock hard now!
I am getting into you more and more with my tongue too ... Yes, Darling
I will try to bury my tongue into you deeper so it feels like a COCK!

I can hear you gagging and gasping for air...Yes Sweetheart just suck
it like a lollipop....I know you are near an orgasm because I hear your
moaning growing louder...Sure, now the time I've waited for, because my
tongue has been flicking your clitoris so hard. Yes.......I can see you
as about ready. Yes, Dear....you're stroking my penis hard up and down,
and at the same time putting your mouth on it. Oh...this is the moment!

I gently have sucked your erect clit into my mouth and your legs are
bucking so....Yes, Baby, just push hard against my face and I will hold
your clitoris in my mouth. I know you are finishing up as well, because
I can feel your lips sucking and licking as we cum together . . .

I am holding the vine up in the air and I have just plunked the last
grape from it and the juices I taste are as good as you. Please write
soon, so I can again savor the moment we so eagerly await together. And
I can't wait until we are alone when your nipples again taste like the
grapes I have enjoyed just like your nipples.

Love,

My First Birching In The Wood's
11:47AM on September 18, 2009






Title: My First Birching In The Woods


Late August we went to spend some weeks in the Alps with all the
family. The panorama was idyllic: rocky mountains, luxuriant woods,
meadows and pastures studded by crystal lakes.

We walked many hours every day and enjoyed ourselves a lot.
One morning our kids remained to play with some friends in a
beautiful park, full of games and attractions, so Alex and I went
for a walk in a wood quite far away.

The previous day and night I had been in charge, and Alex was wearing marks of my belt and teeth.
Besides, he had his legs striped with red and blue bruises, because
I had beaten him with tiny branchlets. He was very proud of those
marks and ready to switch. He informed me with a steel voice: "Today
I AM in charge, sweety."

For half an hour we followed a beaten path, then decided to enter
into the thick of the forest. We went on for some minutes: at a
certain point it was as if we were passing the threshold of an
enchanted realm, and time was no more. The ground was crowded with
fallen branches, rocks covered with musk, stones of different shapes
and dimensions, tall grasses. A beautiful raven, black as the
deepest night, was following us from the beginning of the morning
and stopped himself to rest on the tallest branch of a tree nearby.
Squirrels were playing. There was an exquisite fragrance of wet
earth and mint plants. For a long time we remained silent.

At last my Master told me: "I think that this is the right place.
The trees are dense enough, and there's a good supply of the kind
of wood I was looking for". The wood around us was a mixed forest,
partly made of conifers and partly of oaks and birches. I was
dressed in a wool sweater, a pair of orange shorts, and heavy
shoes. At my neck I wore a silver collar with very big turquoises.
In my earlobes there were eight small golden earrings and two large
ones of silver and turquoise. They were so heavy that were slowly
stretching my holes. Over his jeans Alex wore a very big belt, with
an heavy engraved buckle.

The voice of my beloved was deep and beautiful: "Slave, come here."
Immediately I did so. "Look at that tree." said my Lord, pointing
to an old, lovely pine, with a big trunk covered with resin. I
swallowed.

He took my left hand and led me in front of the tree. "Bind your
hair, slave." - he ordered. I obeyed. My hair, cut very short three
years ago, is now of shoulder length. "Take down your shorts and
panties." My Master said. I performed. "And now, darling, embrace
the trunk." For a moment, only for a moment, I hesitated.

My Lord slapped me with the back of his ringed hand. I fell on the
ground. "Useless slave, do I have to repeat my orders now before
you deign obey them?" I was weeping; my Lord's hand had been even
heavier than usual. He was wearing his heavy family onyx ring,
engraved with the signet of his grandfather.

Painfully I stood up and embraced the trunk. "You disobeyed me."
His voice was hard. "Forgive me, Master... please, I didn't want
to disobey you, I didn't mean to, really..." "You were slow, you
hesitated... don't you know who is the Master here?" My eyes were
full of tears. "Please, my Lord, punish me, but don't be angry! I
was slow and stupid, but I never wanted to disobey you..."

Alex answered: "I'm not angry; you are luck that for this time you
don't see me in that state." Now my face was in contact with the
trunk of the pine. I couldn't see my Master, but I clearly heard
the sound of branchlets being broken; then, after a while, his
beloved steel voice: "I will beat you with these six birch-rods.

Do you have any question?" I asked, with trembling voice: How many
strokes will I receive, my Lord?" He answered: "It depends. I want
to break these rods on your buttocks. When all six are broken your
birching will be finished." "Master" - I said as sweetly as possible -
"Yes, slave?" "Please - I repeated, because I was feeling really
repentant - hit me bloody, but don't be angry. I'll never hesitate
again, never". My Lord said, with unexpected sweetness: "My dear,
as I told you before,

I'm not angry. I love you, darling, you are
the slave that I've always dreamed of. Now, listen to my orders.
During this beating you will not be bound, but it's better for you
to remain embraced to the tree. If you change position, I'll hit
you harder. Is it clear?" "Yes, my Master". Then he continued:
"You can cry as much as you want, of course, only animals will hear
you. I love you, Laylah."
The raven on the tree nearby was laughing.

My Lord began my birching.
A fire different from any other I had experienced exploded in my
buttocks. I cried: "Lord, please, forgive me." Another painful
stroke and: "I forgive you, slave." He kissed me, then continued
my beating. I cried and cried and cried. Again the raven mocked
me with his verse.

My Master went on for a long time, while I tried with all my strength
to maintain the position he had commanded me. At the end I couldn't
stay still anymore, and, exhausted, I moved, half collapsing on
the ground. The strokes now arrived on my shoulders. "Please, my
Lord - I begged - Please, give me some moments to regain position..."
His voice was liquid iron: "No, darling, no mercy. I will go on
without interruptions. If you want you can say red or yellow, but
if I don't hear a safeword, I will continue."

One stroke reached my flanks. At last I was again in position and
the target became again my bottom. I was mad with pain; but just
when I was thinking: "No pleasure, this time" a huge wave of
ecstasy wrapped me and rocked, lulled me in its tender arms. I was
again dissolving in that well known ocean... thank you, my Goddess...

After a time I perceived as interminable, he stopped and told me:
"The birch rods are all broken, now come on my knees." He was sitting
on a large stone. I bent myself on his thighs, and waited. "Now
I'll spank you, honey, and you will feel a lot of pleasure." I was
in so deep a trance that I remained silent. He began spanking me.
"You are really an eyeful - my Lord told me - Your buttocks are
all bruised, and the marks are of many colours, blue, red, violet...
In two points where the branchlets hit with knots there are a few
drops of blood, but they are few indeed. I'm proud of my handywork."

He spanked me very well, slowly, hotly, with a good rhythm. The
pain on a flesh so punished was hard, but there was also, as Alex
had said, an intense pleasure. I was feeling high with endorphins
and begged: "Please, green, Master ...harder, my Master..." He
laughed, happily: "You wonderful slut of a slave!" In a few moments
I came - a wonderful, sweet, musked orgasm. My Lord embraced me
and cuddled me for a while. We were silent, for long, calm, serene
moments.

Then he advised me: "Darling, you happened to fall down the path
and bruise your face, didn't you?" "Huh?... What, Master?" "Honey -
he told with sweetness - the mark of my ring... we must find an
excuse of some kind..."
"Oh, my Lord - I answered - why must it be this way? I'm so proud
of your marks! I dream a world in which men and women of every
kind, taste and opinion can be free to act without repressions...
my Goddess, a world of love, freedom and tolerance..." Alex answered,
solemn and simple at the same time: "I understand you very well.
I also am very proud of the marks that my beloved Lady impressed
on my body... but this world, exactly as it is in this moment, is
THE PURE EARTH - all is perfect, you must only Wake up, and live..."
"I'm Awake, my sweet Lord, and I LIVE..."

We began the way of return. Our friend the raven was still watching,
mocking and following us. "Brother Raven - I said to him - friend
of Wotan, grimes wrasen, this morning I didn't give up my eye for
wisdom, but in this little ordeal I've gained love, a DEEPER love.
Thank you for having mocked me, as it was fit. Thank you for having
being present." The bird cawed to us, then prepared himself to fly
away. "Blessed be!" I cried to him. Then I followed my Master
towards the beaten path.