TODAY'S HUMOUR
1:08AM on February 28, 2008

The president is getting his daily briefing. The aide giving the briefing concludes with: “Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed.” “OH NO!” the President exclaims. “That’s terrible!”
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, “How many is a brazillion?”


An 85-year-old man went to visit his doctor to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”
The next day the 85-year-old man appeared at the doctor’s surgery and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
“Well, doc, it’s like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.
We even called up Hilda, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”
The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbour?”
The old man replied, “Yep. None of us could get the jar open"

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UM... HEY. How's it going?
9:54AM on February 24, 2008

Look, I'll be honest. I got up around noon today. I showered at two. I've watched something like nine hours of TV today, and spent precious little time being non-horizontal. I didn't shave, haven't left the house, and I honestly can't remember whether I brushed my teeth today or not.
Anyway, how about if we just call this a 'recovery day', and hook up again tomorrow, eh? Seriously, there's nothing about my day today that you'd want to read about and I'm not sure I could write about it without shooting myself in the temple to end the boredom....so here's a little humour!!

One unfortunate day, Bill Clinton and the Pope both died, Clinton was condemned to Hell and Pope was going to be sent to Heaven. But this all got muddled up and they were sent to the wrong places. So, an angel was sent down to Hell to get the Pope and a devil was sent up to get Clinton, as they were being led towards their destination, they met in the middle. “I’m really looking forward to meeting the Virgin Mary,” the Pope said. “Ermm, you’re 5 minutes too late,” replied Clinton.

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...MR GAY!!
10:50PM on February 11, 2008

...NOTHING SERIOUS
9:24PM on February 11, 2008

I don't feel in a serious mood today, so here's something to tide you over (or keep you coming back, assuming you're not from Outer Mongolia) until my next blog update.....just a little humour.

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. He explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls. So the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer. "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...pregnant when you met her!"

TONY.

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TODAY'S NEWS-Cell phone flasher fined!
2:08AM on February 11, 2008

A 21-year-old German man exposed himself to unknown women by sending them pictures of his penis. At least one woman came forward to complain about the offensive picture, and authorities believe he may have subjected other woman to the horror that is his cock. He was convicted on Wednesday of distributing pornographic material and fined €150 ($215, £112).
The presiding judged admitted, "We all had a bit of a laugh when we saw the thing!" I doubt that was the reaction the young flasher was hoping for!!

Tony

Note: Do you have any amusing stories or pics? If so, please send them as a  comment to my blog..thanks

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