Me.
11:21PM on October 24, 2008
5 years ago someone asked me where I thought I would be in the next 5 years.
I’m pretty sure I was honest and said nothing, to which they responded with a tired sigh. I could have imagined this whole thing though, and that would probably be just as valid as it actually happening in a tangible world.
I don’t do much but I am closer to seeing the truth. And the only truth that’s worth a damn is my personal truth. To be able to be completely honest with myself about my motivations for the actions I haphazardly take. Daily. Nightly.
Sometimes, in the midst of the most chaotic setting I am sitting back in my seat plotting and arranging. We all do it, to some degree. But no one does it as bestest as me. I drop hints like flyers to attract what I need and no one seems to care enough to punish me.
Well I take that back. I am constantly being grounded by my inner parent-like god concept. If you would notice, and I am sure you can… I happen to be extremely self destructive by my nature. You should see me these days. I never thought that hard living would actually make me so haggard but I am constantly in a state of disease. I crumble and slowly vanish like a lost whale species.
A festering dream that could have, should have, failed to come to be. When I scream at you, girl… I’m really just screaming at me. Is this world just a macrocosm of the microcosm my past self has set out to be? Everyone an extension of myself, an echo, a laugh, a shadow of the dangerous urges pumping, thumping through me.
I know these sad and empty vengeful faces. I know what they see. I know they hate and love and sometimes scold themselves like little bitty old me. OLD. I can’t get away with this much longer especially because my inner self is starting to converse with the debaucherous side of me. Being innocent is just as bad as being filthy.
I don’t have many friends that think to call me much. But I should shut the fuck up and be thankful for the ones that I do have. I just never made the connections like other people. I always hid behind him, or you, or maybe just what they thought I should be. Now I can’t break that cycle.
I’m an unreliable, passionate, nostalgic, loving, hating, drunk, over weight, underweight, ethnic, devoid of color, dancing, laughing, crying, cutting, stunning, masking, asking, fucking, hiding, sighing, building, breaking, ruining, taking, playing, reflecting, wrecking, making, painting, shaking, modeling, posing, forgetting, knowing, lying, prying, holding onto, jumping off of, talking shit about, being content without, getting control of, taking advantage of, selling, dancing, laughing, crying, cutting me.
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