Journey of Pure Fear
10:30AM on September 25, 2010
(For the past few months I havent been around much and this will explain why)
July 13th, 2010:
I woke up this day as any other normal beautiful summer day. Had my coffee and cigerette(s), laptop was on etc. About ready to get dressed for the day ahead of me. When I coughed up a tiny bit of phlegm (normally when I cough my phlegm doesnt come up all the way so I have to swallow it - but this day it didnt happen that way). I spit it into a napkin and happen to look at it. What I saw was so faint but I knew...it was blood. Immediately my thoughts were racing, my heart was pounding, and the overwhelming fear set it. I knew something wasnt right. And as MUCH AS I HATE/FEAR hospitals and doctors, the fear of seeing that tiny little bit of blood scared me enough that I knew I had to go and get checked out. I didnt want to go alone with just my 5 year old so I got a friend to go with me. And off we went.
Standard blood work is ordered and of course chest xrays and the wait...oh my gosh, the wait and wondering...what is wrong with me, am I dying?? Just thinking about it now and all those feelings going through my mind and body...The panic (of course the panic is worse now having had panic attacks off and on since I was 19)...Damn I feel like I can't breathe or get enough oxygen, even though my oxygen level was excellent...It doesnt stop the panic... I cant focus on reading, the tv, my son or friend...just the thought of what is wrong....the dread of finding out something is horribly wrong with me.. Knowing something is wrong...I knew something was wrong....
The doctor comes in and I knew....she asks if I want my son and friend to wait outside....NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I want to run out the door , out of the hospital, I dont want to hear it, I dont want to know....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just want to escape this horrible feeling..
She tells me that they found a spot on my right upper lung - a cavitary spot (it has a hole in it) about an inch long, below my collar bone. She said it doesnt mean its cancer for sure, it could be an infection of some kind.
They order a TB test and set up an appt with a Pulmonologist, which is a 3-4 weeks away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just want to run out of the hospital...I CANNOT HANDLE THIS...Im only 50 years old, I still have yound kids. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE LUNG CANCER, I DO NOT WANT TO DIE!!
My mom had lung cancer and I've smoked for 38 years.....
I now felt like a robot on automatic, only robots dont feel and I was feeling and fearing SO MUCH...
The doctor gives me a script for anxiety/panic..enough for 5 days...wow that will help, seeing as I dont see the dr for almost a month away...
So now I sit and wait, and wait, and curl up and fear everything....I'm afraid to move, afraid to cough, oh my gosh - am I breathing right?
Am I getting enough air...I felt EVERY twinge in my body...all I could thinking about was my breathing...All this consumed me...will I wake up if
I go to sleep...will I wake up having a hard time breathing from this spot?
Started researching online about cancer, lung spots, bloody phlegm...one of the worse things I could of done...It only made everything worse, even
though alot of info online is out of date..I couldnt help myself...I believe I was looking for HOPE and REASSURANCE.
I went for the TB test, and believe me when I say I was really hoping and praying that I had TB....
I'd take antibiotics for TB for the rest of my life...that was better than CANCER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anything was better than cancer...3 days later, I knew, no reaction to the test...it was negative and I was crushed even more...
People kept saying, don't worry until you have something to worry about..well, we all know that is easier said than done..
How can I not worry?? I have a spot of my lung damnit!!!
Time is going so fucking slow......I was in my own little world..didnt want to do anything..sat on the couch with magazines, puzzles, to try
and consume my thoughts...anything to think about but this spot on my lung...didnt want to eat, was slowing losing more weight and the smoking!
I was so scared I was smoking MORE!! Not less but more.
I knew cancer horror stories and I thought am I going to be one of them.....I was afraid to be alone at home, didnt want to leave the house alone.
I stopped tending my garden, I pretty much stopped doing anything...
Has it only been a week now since I went to the hospital??
Every time I coughed I was making sure I brought up the phlegm so I could check it...yes there is still pink in it...
Why do I keep checking it, it only scares me even more when I see it..but , I cant help but check!!
To be continued................
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| Comments |
Mistr... |
December 23, 2010 (Report It)
As I was going through my blog I see I had finished this...
About a month after going to the ER , I finally see a lung dr , who orders a CT scan. The results show that the cavitary spot has grown to 5 centimeters!!! BUT , he feels that it could also be some sort of infection...So, I am put on a VERY strong antibiotic that I have to take 4 times a day for 2 weeks and at the end of the 2 weeks , I have to have a chest xray to see what is happing...So for the next 2 weeks I faithfully take the medicine and wait...wait...wait....
Finally the time has arrived for the chest xray...within a couple hours I get a call, petrified to answer the phone..in fear of what I'll be told but , to my total amazement I am told that it has shrunk some and another script is called in for the antibiotics and to take them for another week...Ecstatic, I happily take them...and go for another xray at the end of this week.
Heartbroken at my latest xray, it hasnt shrunk anymore, the lung dr. feels I need to see a surgeon , that I may need surgery...I'm petrified!!
On to the waiting game to see the surgeon...a few weeks later my appt with the surgeon is panic filled to say the least...He wants a comparison ct scan and a broncoscopy (go down my throat and get a biopsy) and blood work...I get the blood work and the scan. those results show of course that it has shrunk from the last one and of course we all know that cancer does not shrink without chemo or radiation so for this I am beyond relief BUT my blood work showed a type of bacteria that they only see is VERY SICK people so he called the CDC...my heart dropped in fear....well the CDC and the surgeon both felt that the bacteria was a contaminate from the 3 weeks of antibiotics ..and not to worry about it at this point...the scan showed that it had shrunk some more and was less than an inch now...he felt because it had shrunk I didnt HAVE to have to scope done and we could just watch it...and have another ct scan done in 2 months....well this is where we are now...I had the last ct scan done 2 days ago, on 12/21 and I see the surgeon on dec. 28th for the results....I am not worrying about it as I dont want to ruin the holidays for my family or myself....
Wish me luck...
HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
Tease... |
September 25, 2010 (Report It)
oh please stay strong dear Farrah! my all the best wishes for you to get well! |
yourd... |
September 25, 2010 (Report It)
Oh no Farrah :*( ((((hugs to you tho)))) |
Mistr... |
September 25, 2010 (Report It)
Oh Tweety how I know.....
I had to stop writing because I was starting to panic...I'll continue tomorrow...xoxoxoxo |
Tweety79 |
September 25, 2010 (Report It)
Fear of the unknown is the worst fear...answers? Conjectures? Stories? Fuel for the fire and makes the mind paranoid of all news or reports. Waiting is absolutely mind boggling...as if dangling the brass ring in front of you....do I want to be aware or stay here in the confines of my realm and wonder? I understand and have shared the same situation, maybe not a struggle with cancer but definitely a life altering experience. xoxoxox Love you and thank you for sharing this.... |
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