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33 WAYS WOMEN FAIL IN BED - Guys Perspective!
5:46PM on December 13, 2010

I found thiss list online, an oldie but a errr, goodie. Plus I posted the 40 Ways Men Fail In Bed list, so I guess its only fair. But even though this is written by a man aimed at us girls, I warn you, if you have not yet seen this ladies, I suggest you either look away now or turn your sense of humour nodule up to overdrive!!

33 WAYS WOMEN FAIL IN BED
Many women waste countless hours reading books written by women about what men want in bed, and men look at these articles too and roll their damn eyes! If you want to learn about car maintenance, you don't go to a guy selling camels, you go to the mechanic! The same applies here. Read and learn ladies!

1. MILKING IT
When stroking a guy's dick don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the love sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be worshipped and held tenderly at all times. The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not two-thirds of the way down.

2. LETHAL WEAPONS
A guy's scrotum is a wondrous aesthetic achievement of nature to be treated gently. Don't squeeze the balls like you are squeezing water from a sponge. If you have long nails pull them off with pliers before even looking at a guy's ball bag .

3. ROBOTS
When sucking a guy's dick don't just get on the end of the thing and jam your head back and forward. It's a beautiful instrument; it should be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every conceivable angle.

4. SILENT FRIGHT
If you've cum and cannot be bothered to scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he's done his duty and can blow his load whenever he wants. Not doing so within a reasonable length of time is just plain unacceptable.

5. NO LAUGHING MATTER
Don't laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away and says things like "Ride my hard cock you filthy cock-sucking slut" or "I want to rinse your mouth with my fresh, white love potion". Laughter at any aspect of the male performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful you've got a guy who can speak whole sentences whilst in the act .

6. CLOSING UP
If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your face, don't close your eyes!?!? He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful union with him. Semen is not very likely to cause you permanent blindness in most cases - but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his temporary happiness.

7. POOR PRESENTATION
Presentation is all-important. Don't wait to be asked to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present. You love it, why pretend otherwise.

8. HANGING AROUND
When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does not want to touch you at this point. You should preferably leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you are a one-night stand you should leave the premises without asking for a phone number. His work is done .

9. BEING SHY
Always offer the Hershey Highway. You know you want it. Even if you don't like it so much, offer enthusiastically, as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away to his hearts content .

10. BEING A DRIP
You always have tissues in your bag, so use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if, that is, you have misbehaved and not swallowed everything he has so graciously bestowed unto you.

11. CLOCK-WATCHING
Never, ever, think of saying: "Are you going to cum soon??" If you were doing a blow-job, you'd have to take your mouth off to utter such a question. If you're giving a hand-job, you should have gone to the gym to work your biceps. This is not a time-trial but a blissful act of union between two sexually aware and gifted human beings. If he's fucking you and takes more than 10 minutes you should simply be very grateful.

12. FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS
Don't ask him if you're the best lover he's ever had. Most men have had so many sexual partners that it is most unlikely you are. Please ladies, don't ask a man to lie about such an important thing .

13. PLAYING DEAD
Don't just lie there, do something! Good sex is not a spectator sport, it helps if both parties move around a bit. Yes, you probably expect the man to do all the hard and skilful work. Men don't mind that and are blessed with the equipment and know-how to do it right, but at least put some effort into the act to show your gratitude.

14. BEING POSSESSIVE
If you are lucky enough to have an imaginative lover who can satisfy two women at once, don't sneer at or reject his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. If he's a real man he's probably.....errr, fucking her anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your man happy and satisfied .

15. SPITTING IT OUT
When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right into your open mouth, it is rather rude to spit it out without savouring the taste and gluey texture. You should play with his semen like a block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side. A line like "I love it when you come in my mouth", whispered seductively, makes for a happy finale to this blissful event.

16. INGRATITUDE
Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he has expended on making love to you - especially if A) Sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or B) You managed to achieve an orgasm. A man's role in sex is far more demanding than a woman's so it is always nice when his prowess is suitably appreciated.

17. SEEKING FAVOURS
Never contemplate taking advantage of your man's warm after-sex glow to seek favours or make requests. As he drops off into well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask: "Do you think I should buy that dress / skirt / sofa / mercedes / country cottage?" There is a name for the practice of mixing sex with material gain and we all know what that word is, dont we.

18. BED-RIDDEN
Too many women fail in bed because they insist on being IN BED. There are no statutes limiting horseplay to a designated room. Let yourself go with some sexing in the study, bonking in the bathroom, humping in the hallway, shagging in the shed, or poking on the porch!! Dont limit yourself, or him!

19. SHARING NOT CARING
Whilst it is understandable that you would be excited after receiving a mouthful of warm sweet cum, do not be thoughtless in expressing your gratitude by kissing your man on the lips!?!?!!! YOU like semen, HE does NOT. Do not forget this simple fact.

20. TOO BRIGHT
If the man switches the light off, it is for a good reason, so please don't insist on seeing what is going on. If he's got a pot belly or perhaps a love bite from a sneaky extra relational fuck earlier that day, it is his right to keep such matters to himself. If he wants it dark so he can imagine he's fucking a pop star or better yet, a porn star, please smile serenely whilst valuing this fascinating and loveable aspect of the male psyche.

21. KEEPING HIM WAITING 
Don't get him all turned on and then let his proud stiffy whither and wilt whilst you go to the bathroom and tone and moisturise every square inch of your body. The male erection can be sensitive to a 45-minute delay while you go off to make yourself look presentable. If you must follow a strict beauty regime, do it AFTER he has shot his load and started to snore loudly.

22. TOOTH ACHE
When a man asks you to eat his dick, this should not be taken literally! Yes it's hard to resist the joy of cock gobbling with gusto, but keep the tooth action to a minimum still. All's fair in the throws of passion but no man wants to feel like their tool is being mutilated by your molars !

23. YOU CAN'T HURRY, LOVE
If a woman is serious about good oral sex as part of foreplay, 20 minutes is the bare minimum required to give the subtle and complex penis a reasonable working over. And better to allow 45minutes to be certain.  

24. TWO DIMENSIONAL
It is not enough to be a specialist - even in the important skill of fellatio. To be
regarded as a successful woman in bed you must have a full portfolio of tricks. These should include a penchant for facial glazing and a thorough familiarity with the idiosyncrasies of your man's ball sack region!

25. UNSWEET SMELL OF EXCESS
While men are more than happy to lick the pink clam any time any place any where, please keep the damn thing clean! Pungently aroused is one thing, but you can have too much of a good thing!

26. OBSESSIVE
The female orgasm is much over-rated so don't spoil everybody's fun by insisting on having one. But of course, if you do have one, you should feel free to announce it loudly and extensively to not only your man, but noisily enough so that those in the adjoining apartments may know also.

27. PERIOD PAIN (1)
It's natural for a woman to beg for a good seeing to but please do not ever A) Pretend your period has finished or B) That it hasn't even started. Just go without and let your man catch up with his fantasies about your friends; his pretty work colleague; and/or the women he used to fuck before he met you.

28. PERIOD PAIN (2)
Having said that (above), just because you're on the blob, it doesn't mean his natural and healthy urges have gone away. Don't put sex off limits for the duration of your period. Use this special time together to perfect your oral and dick massaging techniques.

29. THE BIG SWITCH (OFF)
Nothing is worse than giving a man some encouragement and then not finishing the job! Such encouragement might be the merest unwitting brush against any part of his body. And if he does suddenly develop an unexpected stiffy, you should ideally feel obliged to deal with it immediately and take things through to their natural conclusion.

30. WAKE-UP CALLER
Men have busy and demanding schedules so please understand if he should occasionally fall asleep, so to speak, on the job!! Take it as a compliment that he feels so relaxed and at ease in your company.

31. TV SINNER
The only TV programmes suitable for accompanying good sex are hardcore porn or a football match. No soap operas, cookery programmes or rom-coms thank you very much!

32. COVER UP
If you have lured a man to bed under the guise of being a sultry temptress with long eyelashes, flawless skin and painted lips, please keep the illusion going until he has discharged his man porridge into you and fallen asleep. If you care about him, you will make sure he never discovers the terrible secret hidden beneath your caked-on make-up.

33. PUTTING A DAMPENER ON THE EVENING
Don't make a fuss about sleeping on the damp patch. If God wanted the males of the species to sleep on the messy remains of coitus, he would have given them a vagina.