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Power and Control
7:25PM on May 13, 2009

Power: The ability or official capacity to exercise control; authority.

Control: To exercise authoritative or dominating influence over; direct. To hold in restraint; check.

These are two issues that I have been struggling with lately; power and control. I know that for me to give up one or both it would leave me vulnerable and even what some would consider weak. Let’s back up. I am in a position of power and control every day of my life. It is a part of my everyday routine and I cannot allow that to be taken from me as it is how I make my living. But there are times when I would like to give up that power and control.

I have noticed that I have been drawn to erotica that deals with Submission and Domination. I enjoy seeing how the story unfolds. How a person who has had control over themselves and thrives over having that control in other arenas of their everyday life. Seeing how they are ‘forced’ to give up that power and control only to receive more self awareness, more pleasure, a more intense and never before experienced sexual encounter.

Why have I been drawn to erotica that deals with Submission and Domination? One would say because I want to give up the power and control. That I have power and control everyday and I need to break out of that routine. That I want to know what it feels like to no longer be the dominate force. But how can a person that has never given up that power and control do so…and do so willingly?

Even in what I have read it has never been an easy task. The person has to be primed, coaxed, persuaded, and forced to move out of one’s own way. How does one find that person who is willing to dominate, to lead, to teach, to allow you to experience something you have never experienced before? How does one allow a person to take away from you the one thing you have always had control over; one’s self? How does one trust a person to do that? How does one know when they are ready to be dominated? Does one ever know when they are ready or is that too out of one’s own control? Is that time to be decided by the person who wants to dominate and make you submit?

These questions and many more race through my mind as I continue on my journey to self discovery.

Submission: The act of submitting to the power of another; the state of being submissive or compliant; meekness.

Domination: Control or power over another or other.

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SomeThing Happened
3:05AM on May 12, 2009

Something happened. I had a long day. I was stuck in a room all day with a bunch of other people and was forced to stay in that room all day. I was told when I could go to the restroom and when I could step out of that room in order to find something to eat.

The entire day my body was screaming. My body was on fire and wanted to play. There were tingles and waves there were rushes of cool followed by hot there were goose bumps up and down my arms and I had legs that couldn’t be still for any longer than 15 hot seconds.

l day I thought about sex how and where I wanted it, whom I wanted it with what I wanted to do to them and even flash backs on times that I have had great sex. I could almost hear my own breathing and sounds that once escaped me. I could see the face of the man that brought me such pleasure. I could hear his voice, feel his touches and his mouth on mine. I was taken back to that moment in time and had to snap back into the present forgetting where I was.

All day my body screamed for attention. All day my body let me know that it was alive. And all day it let me know that it was ready to do what’s so natural, instinctual, and one would even say primal. My body didn’t want to be held it didn’t want to be caressed. My body was letting me know that it wanted to be fucked. My body wanted to be controlled, taken over, desired, craved, wanted, and taken. It wanted to be pleased, to be teased, but most importantly satisfied.

As the day drew on my body screamed even louder occasionally calming enough for me to hold a descent conversation about the weather and focus on a movie long enough to know that is an ‘honor and a privilege’ to serve on a jury. I couldn’t wait to get home I couldn’t wait to leave; I couldn’t wait to regain the control and power that I had lost by being trapped in that room.

Anyway I was able to leave the room only to have my phone die. I can’t text or make phone calls once again powerless even if only for a moment. I was able to get to a charger and realized I was at my mother’s house and my body said damnit we have unfinished business. So I took the short journey home. With each passing quarter of a mile my body screamed louder and louder. By the time I made it to my front door and behind my bedroom door I knew I needed to do something.

Wine! I poured half a glass of wine and I went for a short ‘walk.’ Though a walk and wine usually makes my body begin to whisper 2nite it did seem to have a slight calming effect; that was until I walked back into my bed room. Something had to be done.

I got comfortable candles and music was the first thing I got going upon my arrival home so that was already taken care of. The bed was cleared off and my batteries were charged and my toys wanted to be played with. Although I wanted to play and send a few naughty text messages I didn’t. I touched myself and begin to listen to the buzz from my purple bunny. The buzz was making the girly jump, caused my nipples to become so hard, and goose bumps there were goose bumps. The warm gel that I used just so I could feel it trickle over my pearl and into my own warmth, the cool air from the floor fan blowing across my thighs over my girly and back again.




I inserted the purple bunny vibrations on low rotating beads on medium. I left the bunny there no in and outs no side to side just vibrations and rotations.

Now I don’t know what happen from the time I started diddling til the time it happened. I played with the speeds changed the angles and even repositioned my body. I felt the small waves flood my body as the feeling became intense and I did not fight these waves. I welcomed them, allowed for them to consume me. The wave sometimes rushed over fast others it was slow. I did not fear these waves run from these waves nor did I allow them to escape me.

The waves came and went and between each one I would stop catch my breath and wait til I was ready to get back in the water. I did this repeatedly as my body slowly begins to quiet. After riding out three or four waves I knew I was ok. But something said catch one last one and make it last. The bunny and I went for one more ride. I couldn’t help but get lost and grind against the bunny I couldn’t help thinking back to times when a certain man brought me pleasure I couldn’t help but imagine what the next time would be like. I was losing myself I brought myself to the edge everything tingling everything hott waiting for that wave to rush through me. Only this time it did not start at my feet; always at me feet but not this time. This time my neck got really warm it moved through my chest my arms and for some reason stuck in my hands. One hand holding my little bunny friend making sure the angle was where I needed it to be, my hips grinding and my other hand in a world of its own tingling and suddenly going at the same in and out rhythm as my bunny.

I move my free hand over my chest and that was where the wave rolled. I moved my hand over my stomach and the wave followed. Not wanting to lose any of this I held it there feeling the wave grow as it rolled in my stomach. Slowly I moved my hand over my belly button hips still grinding, rabbit still vibrating and rotating, body feeling like was ready to explode. I run my hand back up my chest and it almost felt like the wave to went back up again. And without thinking at a slow even pace my free hand moved down my body the wave building and rushing down ward past my chest through my stomach behind my belly button and SPLASH!!!!!

My hand now where a bunny once was my hand trying to fight the wave; trying to push it back only it was too late. There was a flood and the gates were no longer closed. My body jerked and the waved started again backwards from my neck to my chest down my arms through my stomach and again came crashing out of me.

My hand now wett my thighs now wet and after my breathing finally slowed I realized my bed now wett…WHAT A FUCKING FEELING THAT WAS. One that I have never felt before, one that caught me off guard and sent me racing to a computer, one that has me relaxed and ready to sleep.

SPLASH!!

Something that I wish could have been captured or at least witnessed…

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