The Funny Page
9:02AM on October 17, 2008
Hi all and welcome this page will be dedicated for jokes of all types. If you have a GOOD one please add it in the comment area.
Thanks and enjoy!
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session
with four young Mothers and their small children.
'You all have obsessions,' he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed
with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is
with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name,
Penny.'
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is
alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took
her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick,
we're leaving. Your brothers Peter and Willy are waiting for us.''
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FIRST YEAR MED SCHOOL
First-year students at Med School were
receiving their first anatomy class with a
real dead human body. They all gathered
around the surgery table with the body
covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling
them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have
2 important qualities as a doctor. The
first is that you not be disgusted by
anything involving the human body.
" For an example, the Professor pulled
back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt
of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his
finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told
his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for
several minutes, but
eventually took turns sticking a finger in
the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation.
I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
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Nursing Home Cop
An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the hall, an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way. Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way. She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again, he jumps out. He's stark naked and has an erection! The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh, no, not the Breathalyzer again!"
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Larry came home late one night and his wife asked him, “Where in the hell have you been?” After a moment, Larry replied, “I was out getting a tattoo.”
“A tattoo?” she frowned. “What kind of tattoo did you get?”
“I got a hundred Dollar Bill put on my dick,” he said proudly.
“What the hell were you thinking?” she said, shaking her head in disdain. “Why on earth would you get a hundred Dollar Bill tattooed on his penis?”
“Well, since I am an accountant theres four reasons... first I like to watch my money grow.... Second once in a while I like to play with my money. Three…I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly…instead of you going out wasting money on shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow 100 Bucks anytime you want.”
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A middle-aged wife had just returned to the house on Saturday afternoon after a shopping trip. She was quite agitated, and proceeded to tell her husband about a certain shoe salesman who had been rude.
It seems she was sitting down while he helped her try on various shoes, and happened to glance up and notice that she was not wearing any panties under her dress. Without even thinking, he just blurted out, "If that thing was full of ice cream, I'd eat every bite."
Well, she was understandably insulted, and now wanted to know what her husband was going to do about it.
The husband just sat there, watching football on TV, and grunted.
The wife became hysterical, and insisted on knowing why he didn't go down to the shop and kick the shit out of the rude salesman.
"Well", the husband replied, "There are three reasons I won't punch that guy in the nose.
First of all, you shouldn't have even been shopping for shoes, since you have a whole closet full of them.
Secondly, you have no business going shopping with no panties on.
But most of all, I'm not going to fuck with anyone that can eat that much ice cream!"
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A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate. All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls.
One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, "Reeva, What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I’m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."
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A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early ?"
"I was stung by a bee", she said.
"Where?" he asked.
"Between the first and second hole", she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."
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A masked man goes into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter, and says, "Open the safe."
She says, "This isn't a real bank, it's a sperm bank."
He says, "Open the safe or I'll shoot."
She opens the safe, and he says, "Now take one of the bottles and drink it."
After she opens the bottle and drinks it, he takes off his mask and the woman realizes the robber is her husband.
He says, "Now you see? It's not so difficult, is it?"
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Super Market mistake
This guy is in line at the Super Market when he notices a hot blonde
behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is stunned that such a hottie would be waving to him, and although
familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry do you know me?"
She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of
one of my children!"
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,
"Christ!" he says "are you that stripper at my bachelor party that I had on the pool table in front of all my friends, while your partner whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass?"
"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"
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A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
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Birds and Bees
A father asks his 10-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" the child says, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me!"
Confused, the father asks what's wrong.
"Oh, dad," the boy sobs. "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Santa speech'. At seven, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no tooth fairy' speech.
"If you're going to tell me that grown ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for!"
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