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In Love With You
3:13PM on June 12, 2009
In Love With You
Your brown skin
pressed up against mine
I need you near me right now
but it's seems like your wasting time
I've been in love with you once
and it's happening again
You are so special to me
and I feel honored to be your friend
I love you so much
and I know you love me back
You make my heart race so
that it feels like Im having a heart attack
I'm in love with you
and I know this feeling won't change
All that matters is all
the love that you shall bring
My love for you goes far
across the deep blue sea
I know now that there is no you without me...
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A little fiction
1:53PM on May 27, 2009
The room was lit with candles, the linen on the bed was off white, and it didn’t looked like the place of a dancer, more like a home maker. It made Jonathan feel at home, He like what she did with her apartment to make it look warm and inviting. Afro centric painting on the wall gave the bedroom a sign of brilliance. The room was spacious with a flat screen television directly in front of the bed. Jonathan sat on the bed, anticipating what Monique would look like coming into the bedroom. He wasn’t worried about his size; he knew he was blessed with the right size nine and a half inches, big enough not to disappoint and not too big to scare a girl away. An oldie was playing on the cd, Barry White. Monique had great taste Jonathan thought. He opened his shirt and sat back on the bed. He could hear Monique walking toward the room. She opened the door and walked in wearing only a short T-shirt and bikini panties. She looked at Jonathan lying there on the bed. He immediately sat up when she came over to the bed. Smiling at him, “disappointed” she asked. He looked at her with a look that made a blessed man want to cry. “Disappointed!” I don’t think so!”
He didn’t know where to start, he didn’t want to just jump into making love, he wanted it to be a slow wonderful night. But, all that ended the moment her lips found his lips. He became the expert he knew he was. Pulling her close to him as he caressed her tongue. Finding his way down her neck, massaging up and down her neck as his hands made it way around her soft waist. Pulling her t shirt over her head he started sucking her hard nipple. Monique moaned to his touch, his lips was soft for a man something she liked very much, the way he circled her nipple with his tongue made her so wet she just wanted him inside her.
“Please Baby!” she whispered” I want to feel you inside me.” But Jonathan wasn’t about to give in just yet. He laid her back on the bed as he feel between her legs, feeling her already wet panties. He pulled them down softly and was happy by what he saw. Her thick lips were pretty then any he ever seen. She was truly beautiful from inside out. Jonathan tongue made his way up her lips sucking up and down her lips, Monique begin to moan louder, Oh Baby! She cried as he caressed around her clitoris with his tongue, teasing her by going back and forth to her thigh, her thighs was just as sensitive. He started tonguing her clitoris, Monique screams out loud as she started to fuck his dick with her pussy. Jonathan caressed around the clitoris and on the clit softly Causing Monique to fuck harder as the sensation of his tongue fucking her clitoris through her into a sensation she never felt before. She was trying to hold not climaxing so soon. Realizing she was exploding into one powerful climaxed she screamed freezing her every movement stiff to her body trembling out of control as her orgasm burst down her like a volcano erupting into one great big explosion. Screaming his name “Jonathan!!!” Please! Please baby!! Jonathan looked up at her now limbo body laying there. He made his way to her lips. Monique, Whispered Jonathan! Jonathan, please! As she kissed him back. His nipple on her ear, another sensitive area for her. Ohh! Baby!! She Moaned. He put his knee between her legs and grind against her pussy. As he caressed up and down her neck with his tongue. Monique moaned as she grinds against his knee. His hand massaging her stomach. He sucked on her titie, Oh Jonathan, Monique cried as she continues to grind his knee. Burst into another orgasm. Monique scream, “No Jonathan No!!” Jonathan smile as she climaxed, his job was done before he even stuck his dick into her. But he was far from finished. Do you want something to drink he asked her, No baby she replied. Ok sweetie. She lay there with her eyes closed feeling good when she felt Jonathan opening her legs, she opened her eyes. Baby! Jonathan was rock hard. He kissed her lips. He pushed his dick slowly into her pussy. Aawww!! Monique moaned, as Jonathan kept pushing up in her very tight pussy. Aww! Aww! Baby!’ Monique squeezed his back as he began pumping in and out of her slowly. Monique moaned at the rhythm he was using as he tenderly begins to grind in her pussy. He could feel her squeezing his dick with her lips. She was getting so wet. Her moaning was almost like crying. He moved faster and she began to moan louder. Oh Baby! She moaned. In, out, he strokes her pussy until he was deep up in her. Monique legs in the air trying to get every bit of his dick up her. He stoke in and out, in and out. Until he could hold it in any longer. Bursting inside of her. Aww! He let out a soft sound, Monique thought was sexy. He froze completely letting out every bit of sperm up in Monique pussy. He felt on top on Monique exhausted.
‘Oh Baby!” cried Monique. I am going to get this every time.”
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Female squirting orgasms twist and squirt
2:49PM on January 26, 2009
Make Her Squirm,
Then Make Her Squirt:
Female Ejaculation
When it comes to turning a woman on, there’s wet, and then there’s wet. You can learn how to unleash a tidal wave of orgasmic juices in your bed. Read on to find out more about the phenomenon of female ejaculation.
How It Works
Females ejaculate? Yes, they do. We’re talking about a gusher of fluid spurting out of her pussy as she comes. Actually, to be more accurate, the fluid comes squirting out of her urethra. Don’t let this gross you out, though; it’s not pee! Female cum is a clear, odorless liquid produced by a small organ called the “female prostate,” or urethral sponge, which is located between the urethra and vagina. The fluid it produces just happens to come out of the pee hole, but...so does guys’ semen, right?
While some women may experience ejaculation naturally in the course of intercourse or other sex play, most require some concentrated stimulation of the G-spot. Massaging the G-spot causes the urethral sponge to become engorged with fluid, which is then expelled during orgasm. And, as with an orgasm, ejaculation also requires the woman to “let go.” Before ejaculating, the woman will feel as though she is going to pee. However, it is nearly impossible for her to urinate while coming, because the muscular contractions of orgasm close off the bladder and prevent the passage of urine.
Use Your Hands
The most reliable way to induce female ejaculation is by manual stimulation. Lay a towel on the bed before you begin (the amount of fluid released can be considerable). Make sure your hands are clean and your nails well trimmed. Get into a comfortable position between her legs, as achieving ejaculation can take half an hour or more. Use lube if necessary to get started or in case she starts to feel dry.
Find the G-Spot
Begin by stroking or licking her clit to get her aroused. Once she begins to get turned on, insert two fingers, palm side up, into her vagina. About an inch to two inches inside the vaginal entrance, you should feel a round, roughened area on the front wall. This is the G-spot. Stroke against this area using firm pressure. It should enlarge and begin to feel more solid. Try touching or licking her clit as you manipulate the G-spot. Follow her responses and pace yourself to prolong her period of arousal; the more time she’s aroused, the more juice is building up in there.
The Urge to Urinate
As she gets closer to coming, she will start to feel as though she has to urinate. That’s the cum beginning to flow into her urethra. In order for her ejaculate, she has to relax, let go, and push down and out with the same muscles she would use as if she were peeing. It may be hard to overcome the impulse to hold back, but you can reassure her, again, that if she is coming, she will not pee.
Instead, as she comes and pushes the fluid out, she should feel extra intense orgasmic pleasure, and you should be rewarded with a spurt of nectar that may range from gentle gush to a drenching spray.
Hints and Tips
Attaining female ejaculation may take some practice and experimentation. You may find it easier to stimulate her G-spot if she gets on her hands and knees and you enter her from behind, pressing down on the G-spot instead of up. For more information and demonstrations, you can also check out Fanny Fatale’s video “How to Female Ejaculate,” which features women masturbating to ejaculation. As a woman gets more familiar with ejaculation and the sensations associated with it, it should be easier for her to achieve.
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Money Can Buy You a Female Orgasm
2:47PM on January 26, 2009
Money Can Buy You a Female Orgasm
Scientists at Newcastle University have discovered that “the wealthier a man is, the more frequently his partner has orgasms,” according to the London Times. Dr. Thomas Pollet, the psychologist behind the research, believes the phenomenon is linked to an “evolutionary adaptation” that essentially hardwires women to be gold-diggers as a way to discern what mate is best suited to protect her and her children. “The female orgasm is the focus of much research because it appears to have no reproductive purpose,” The Times explains. “Women can become pregnant whatever their pleasure levels.” The hypothesis was tested using data from one of the world’s biggest lifestyle studies—The Chinese Health and Family Life Survey— which targeted 5,000 people across China for in-depth interviews about their personal lives, including questions about their sex lives, income and other factors. Previous research from Germany and America showed that while body symmetry and attractiveness were also important factors in inducing female orgasms, money is still No. 1. David Buss, a professor of psychology at the University of Texas, Austin, who has studied this topic before, puts it this way: “What those orgasms are saying is ‘I’m extremely loyal, so you should invest in me and my children’.”
Let me know if you agree.
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nice Fiction
12:35AM on November 20, 2008
I'm a tall, somewhat chubby black guy of Latin and Haitian descent. My father is Latino and my mother is Haitian. I'm originally from the city of Brockton, Massachusetts. Lots of folks in that town thought I hailed from Cape Verde but I was American, just biracial. Us light-skinned brothers are always getting mistaken for something we're not. I'm currently a student at the prestigious Lancaster College. It's a small four-year private school located in the city of Plymouth, Massachusetts. I've been going there for a couple of years now. Long enough to make it my plaything. I have way too much fun over there. These are my stories.
Lancaster College has fourteen thousand students, most of whom come from the town of Plymouth. The school has a liberal arts focus, but has excellent undergraduate programs in engineering, computer science and other areas of technical education. That's really cool, since I major in civil engineering. Someday, I want to have my own company. It's been my dream ever since I could remember, you know. I'm glad I won an athletic scholarship to this school. Of all the small private colleges in the state, it has one of the best undergraduate engineering programs.
Lancaster College has recently beefed up its Athletic Department. Originally, the school had a good number of sports teams, for both men and women. Men's Varsity Baseball, Soccer, Gymnastics, Golf, Football, Wrestling, Ice Hockey, Rowing, Alpine Skiing, Rugby, Basketball and Swimming along with Women's Varsity Softball, Equestrian, Rugby, Wrestling, Archery, Soccer, Golf, Basketball, Rowing, Tennis, Alpine Skiing, Gymnastics, Swimming and Volleyball. Recently, we became an athletic powerhouse. After a massive fundraiser, the Lancaster College Athletics Department added teams in Men's Volleyball, Men's Tennis, Men's Archery, Men's Lacrosse and Women's Lacrosse and Women's Field Hockey. We compete in the National Collegiate Athletic Association's Division Two.
I'm a student-athlete. Actually, I'm the captain of the Men's Varsity Volleyball team. We've been having a tough season and as team captain, a lot of the pressure is on me. Fortunately, the coach's assistant found ways to help me relax. Who is the coach's so helpful assistant? Sharon Pierrot. A tall, large-breasted, thick-bodied, wide-hipped and big-bottomed, red-haired Haitian chick who has a thing for well-hung caramel-skinned studs like myself. We've been having tons of fun together and nobody on campus has any idea. That's just the way I like it, you know.
I've always had a thing for big and tall women. Especially big and tall women with big butts. The bigger the better, that's what I say. I like really huge women. Including three-hundred-pound dames like Sharon Pierrot. Her heavy weight looks good on her frame since she's six feet tall. Yeah, I totally dig the big females. I don't know why. Sharon was just what I needed. The big black woman offered me tons of raunchy sex without strings attached. I liked it. We hooked up in my dormitory for some wicked fun. I would sit on my bed and she'd come in, wearing a bra and matching panties under her long black overcoat. Sharon's eyes would light up when she saw me. I'm a six-foot-two, 260-pound, caramel-skinned stud. I've got the body of an Olympic athlete and the face of a Hollywood superstar. Not to mention the penis of a porn star. Yeah, I'm packing ten inches of long and thick, uncircumcised Black Man Power.
Sharon threw off her long overcoat and knelt before me. The big black woman began showing my dick some love. She sucked on my cock and licked my balls. I thrust my dick down her throat. I love getting my cock sucked. Then again, what man doesn't? Sharon Pierrot was a very good cock sucker. She likes to do the deep-throat thing and knows how to work it. She took most of my cock down her throat and I felt the back of her mouth caressing my dick. Where in hell did this woman learn her sexual techniques? Who in hell cares? All I know is that she made me cum in no time. I came all over her face. Many women don't like that. They think it's disrespect when a man shoots his cum all over their faces. Once again, Sharon was cool. She actually liked facials. She licked every last drop of my cum. Afterwards, I was so grateful that I licked her pussy.
I'm happy to say that Sharon has a clean-smelling pussy. Lots of women smell really foul down there. I spread Sharon's creamy black thighs and ate her out. I like licking pussy. Especially if it smells clean and belongs to a female I like. I fingered Sharon's snatch and worked my magic by probing her pussy with my tongue and digits. In no time I had her squealing in delight. What did I tell you? I am a man with many skills. I made her cum time and again. It's really not that difficult. You just got to know what you're doing, that's all. Afterwards, we tried something fun together.
Sharon fetched her strap-on dildo and proceeded to do me with it. I've got to admit that I've got a pegging fetish. Sharon was down with that. She greased me up, then gently eased the dildo into my ass. Man, if you haven't been fucked by a big woman wearing a strap-on dildo, then you haven't lived. Sharon smiled as she began thrusting the dildo into me. I lay there and took it, loving every second of it. Sharon stroked my cock as she worked the dildo into my asshole. Lots of guys are into this but they won't admit it. I don't have that problem since I'm a first-rate sexual adventurer. I'll try anything at least once, if you know what I mean. The sight of this plump and sexy black chick drilling her dildo into my ass was definitely erotic. My cock stayed hard the entire time. Sharon continued fucking me until I came. Then, she pulled the dildo out of my ass and sucked all the cum out of my cock. Man, that was so damn intense!
Sharon smiled naughtily at me. Then, she ran. I laughed, and chased after her. I tackled her and we rolled around on the floor, wrestling playfully. I wanted to fuck her. She gladly assumed the position. Sharon got on all fours and spread her plump black butt cheeks wide open. I rubbed my cock against her butt hole, then pushed it inside. I love fucking big women in the ass. Especially Sharon Pierrot. She had the biggest, juiciest and nicest ass ever. I put my hands on her hips and pushed my cock into her asshole. Sharon grunted, and urged me to fuck her harder.
Inch by inch, my big cock slid into her asshole. Another thing I like about Sharon is that she loves anal sex as much as I do. Both giving and receiving. Seriously. If I feel macho that day, she will gladly get down and spread her ass for me. She loves getting fucked in the ass. If I feel submissive that day, she will happily fetch her strap-on dildo and ride me for all I'm worth. This big beautiful woman knows what I like. And I know what she likes. So, believe me when I tell you that as I pound my cock mercilessly into her asshole without a drop of lube, it's exactly what she wants! I slam my cock into her, filling her asshole with my dick. Sharon squeals, and begs me for more. I really go to town on her, grabbing her red hair and smack her fat ass as I fuck her. We go at it until I cum, sending my seed deep into her asshole. Sharon screams in pleasure. Afterwards, I pulled out and we both lay there, laughing.
This was just an average day for us. We're just an ordinary man and an ordinary woman having a good time. Casual sex is fun. I wish men and women from all walks of life would embrace this as opposed to rushing into relationships which are costly, time-consuming and often don't work out. I'm happy. I'm doing good academically and athletically. Sharon and I have our fun and it's the spice of our lives. Some folks might not approve but what do they know?
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The tastes of love
9:19AM on October 09, 2008
Part 1: SEMEN AND FOOD -- Urban Myths
"We all have some semen/food story to tell (though for some that story has not yet been told)." - Skip Elsheimer, The Semen King, in one of his more enigmatic moods
Below are popular urban legends -- some true, some myths -- to serve as an introduction to the survey that follows.
During a biology/human sexuality class, the professor explains that semen is mostly sugar. A young coed blurts out, "Well, why does it taste so salty?" She quickly leaves the class which is roaring with laughter.
A disgruntled food service worker ejaculates in some food unbeknownst to the customer(s). Popular foods that are mentioned are mayonnaise, pizza, and salad dressing.
Many foods can actually affect semen. Wheat germ is said to increase one's seminal output. Semen can be sweetened by drinking lots of pineapple juice or eating bananas or papayas. Red meat can make the semen taste more acidic. And alcohol or coffee can make semen more bitter.
A girl once claimed that she could tell if her boyfriend had eaten a Whopper with onions at Burger King based on the taste of his semen.
As an initiation rite, a circle of fraternity recruits compete by masturbating on the same piece of white bread in the center of the circle. The last person to ejaculate has to eat the bread.
Part 2: SEMEN AND FOOD -- The Survey
METHODOLOGY
Friends and co-workers to describe the taste of both semen and vaginal secretions.
1) What does semen taste like?
2) What do vaginal secretions taste like?
Skip, however, developed a more sophisticated phraseology that elicited more descriptions of same-sex tastes:
1) Have you ever tasted semen (either your own or someone else's on
purpose or by accident)? If so, what did it taste like?
2) Have you ever tasted vaginal secretions (either your own or someone
else's on purpose or by accident?) If so, what did it taste like?
3) What is a good slang term for "vaginal secretions?"
Additionally, the Clampettes posted a request for descriptions on the alt.music.chapel-hill newsgroup.
THE RAW DATA
Following are the answers from friends and acquaintances, friends,co-workers,
1. Females describe semen:
"Ajax cleaner"
"maybe salty"
"smells like Ajax, I no longer buy Ajax because of it. Instead I buy Mr. Clean, it's perfumed."
"thick Clorox"
"rancid Elmer's glue"
"tastes and smells like Brie cheese"
"It tastes like itself (it's kind of like asking what pepper tastes like)."
"Indescribable."
"It tasted like a thick, globby beer."
"I've discovered that although there is a general almond taste to all men -- different men taste a little differently AND depending on how much a man drinks, smokes, and what he's eating -- the semen ranges in bitterness. The less healthy he is the worst his semen tastes. Almost like Clorox at times."
"It tasted quite salty."
"I cannot compare the taste to anything else I have tasted because its flavor is unique. I can compare its taste to the smell of Clorox bleach. Semen tastes like bleach smells!"
"It has different tastes for different people ranging from rotten eggs and dirty socks to a slimy/salty taste."
"Semen had a taste of its own...Sometimes it's more spicy than other times; sometimes it's sweeter. Sometimes it gives me the sensation that I just chewed on a balloon."
"Salty. It's a lot like swallowing snot."
"Kind of like salty soft snot."
"Blah! BITTER taste!"
"In my experience, the taste of semen seems to vary (at times dramatically) from guy to guy. Some men, bless them, have semen with very little taste whatsoever. Or maybe they just drink a lot of water and it keeps the concentration of salt and minerals and what have you down. The taste I generally expect is salty, but not a pleasant-eating-soft-pretzels-can-I-have-a-dab-of-mustard-with-that salty. Much more of an acidic, at times bitter metallic taste. At its worst, the taste of semen can surprise you like a mouthful of saltwater. One final note: Evidently garlic is a common culprit in distasteful experiences."
2. Males describe semen:
"Salty glue, especially if dehydrated. Not-so-salty otherwise, actually more watery. Like paper-mache...flour, glue and old newspapers."
"Smells like Bradford Pear blossoms."
"I don't know, but I've heard that semen tastes like whatever the ejaculator ate twelve hours before."
"Like you'd think dish washing detergent would taste, but doesn't. Kind of soapy."
"Salty with a hint of chlorine."
"Tastes like the ink of an octopus."
"It tastes like almonds."
"The taste was not easy to identify, it was sort of mixed with another fluid."
"Sort of a non-descript taste leaning towards the salty side of the spectrum."
"Not much of a flavor. Kind of salty."
"What does saliva taste like?"
"Alfalfa sprouts."
"Caviar."
"It has a surprising non-taste. It looks like snot but is not as salty. I was reminded of the time I woke up with a bloody nose and the blood had drained down my throat."
3. Females describe vaginal secretions:
"A mixture of citrus and MSG."
"Soy sauce, the light Kikkoman."
"Indescribable."
"It didn't have much flavor, but the sensation inside the mouth was what I remember most. It was a very warm, comforting feeling."
"Like semen, the taste ranges. Sometimes the taste is very clean -- in fact almost tasteless -- but it can also taste kind of like a penny late in the cycle or when I've been smoking or drinking too much."
"Kind of sweet and sweaty."
"Sweet, not like anything I've ever tasted."
"Around the clitoris, it tastes like sweet tarts. In the vaginal canal, it tastes kind of like an artichoke tuna salad."
"I've only tasted my own which I've been told is quite tasty. Again, it is hard to say what it tastes like, but it could be described as spicy. The taste varies during the month also."
4. Males describe vaginal secretions:
"Lemony."
"Like the ocean."
"Cheerios."
"Have you ever put your tongue on the end of a battery? Like an alkaline battery."
"Like electricity, when you put a pop top from a soda can between your braces."
"Tangy."
"Like semen (salty), but better. Zesty."
"Tastes like glass."
"Whipped bananas and ginger ale."
"Similar to licking a non-bleeding wound. Sort of a salty, musty, yet sweet taste. It varies."
"Honestly I don't remember the taste. The smell was all I could think about."
"A little fishy in taste, but that could be related to the smell."
"Depending on the woman and the time of the month, there can be a slight non-salty blood taste or a tangy battery taste."
"Bitter."
"While performing oral sex on a college girlfriend, a few drops of a tepid, vaginal secretion were produced during her orgasm. When I tasted this fluid, I had the unusual sensation of eating a taco. That's right! It was salty and tasted just like the combined flavors of fried hamburger meat, cheese, corn shell, and El Paso taco sauce! I'll always have some very fond memories whenever I eat Mexican."
"Vaginal fluids are tangy, and syrupy, at least the ones I've come across. (!) If I haven't tasted and she hasn't BEEN tasted in a while, the fluids are especially tangy, but they always have a wonderful sweet smell. Kind of paradoxical, tangy-tasting and sweet-smelling, but that's part of why it's so much fun."
"It's not so much a taste, it's a smell. Kind of like a musty armpit but not really as offensive. Actually it might taste like a musty armpit too, I'll have to check it and get back to you."
ANALYSIS
1. Sociological
people seem to be remarkably willing to offer descriptions. Interestingly, no non-virgin heterosexuals who were polled claimed never to have tasted the genital fluids of the opposite sex. Many respondents denied knowledge of the taste of their own gender's secretions..
2. Similarity of Responses
, I had never read or heard from anyone that semen tasted like Ajax....Clorox.
Although there were some statistical outlyers that were perhaps not serious responses (for instance, "whipped bananas and ginger ale"), most responses seemed to fall into clusters. Interestingly, there did not seem to be a clear boundary dividing the genders' tastes, i.e. "salt" and "acidic" were commonly mentioned for both.
Common comparisons to semen include salt, cleaning products (especially chlorine-based ones), and bitterness. Descriptions of vaginal secretions included acidic/tangy, salty, and electric or metallic. Two respondents mentioned tacos; one said that he had heard of a man who only ate at Taco Bell whose semen reputedly tasted of tacos, the other described his college girlfriend's orgasm in similar terms. This report corresponds to urban legend about the Burger King Whopper. Also, some people mentioned a "spicy" or "armpit" smell/taste that may also relate to the taco flavor or even explain the origin of the taco- and fast-food-tasting bodily fluid urban myth.
The similarities in describing tastes can be explained. Semen is an alkali like soap or bleach. Vaginal secretions are acidic and made up of blood components.
The Kinsey Institute (reprinted in Details magazine) describes the chemical make-up of semen: "The chemicals vary somewhat, depending on the man's diet, health, and frequency of ejaculation, but the average ejaculate consists mostly of protein, citric acid, fructose (a complex sugar), sodium, and chloride. There are smaller amounts of ammonia, ascorbic acid, acid phosphatase, calcium, carbon dioxide, cholesterol, prostaglandins, creatine, other minerals, and numerous other chemicals."
That seems to cover the salty, acidic and Clorox descriptions. chloride in ejaculate comes from the Cowper's Gland and ensures that sperm don't get killed in the acidic environment of the vaginal canal.
MORE COLORFUL NAMES FOR VAGINAL SECRETIONS
This was not a major part of the study, but we did get some interesting responses. Some of the suggestions: "Unga-unga," "Honey of the Goddess," "cooze," "the broth," "potpourri." (Note: Our delicate sensibilities did not allow us to include all of the answers.) One respondent felt that because vaginal secretions are almost always present during sexual contact (with semen appearing later), we take them for granted and don't name them.
The winning response: "Go-go juice" (the opposite of cum).
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The Lover Tells Of The Rose In His Heart
11:16PM on October 05, 2008
ALL things uncomely and broken, all things worn out and old,
The cry of a child by the roadway, the creak of a lumbering cart,
The heavy steps of the ploughman, splashing the wintry mould,
Are wronging your image that blossoms a rose in the deeps of my heart.
The wrong of unshapely things is a wrong too great to be told;
I hunger to build them anew and sit on a green knoll apart,
With the earth and the sky and the water, re-made, like a casket of gold
For my dreams of your image that blossoms a rose in the deeps of my heart.
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what they teach about oral sex in the ivy league!
4:56PM on June 09, 2008
Listen up, freshmen: the rumors are true. You may, in fact, actually get laid in college. And if casual, inebriated encounters are what you’re after, thank your lucky stars you were rejected from your first choice school. I’m kidding, of course. But don’t cream your pants just yet, and I say this with tender empathy: you’re still a total novice and awkward as f*ck.
And thus I asked my female friends who sleep with women what advice they had to share with the new Dartmouth freshmen, and I proudly offer you a crash course from true cuntoisseurs. I warmly invite you, the Class of 2011, to dig in…
Locale? It’s all good in the hood.
Although this anecdote may break your heart, I feel it necessary to divulge that last year, a hook-up of mine actually inquired as to the whereabouts of the clitoris. F*ck, I thought while attempting to mask my horror. Which should I show him? The clit or the door? To spare the women of subsequent classes this weighty decision, I’ve drawn a treasure map to pinpoint the exact location of this apparently enigmatic organ, and de-mystify the vulva at large. Ready? X marks the spot!
•The clitoris is that little pearl of tissue that forms the clitoral head and is covered by the protective clitoral hood. With twice the number of nerve endings as the penis and no anatomical purpose other than making women come, this is where the money’s at. So put your mouth where the money is.
• The labia minora (referred to as simply the labia, or ‘inner lips’) are full of personality. Here they are depicted trimly for the sake of clarity, but don’t be thrown by the various shapes and sizes you may encounter.
•The G-spot, not pictured, is a small, rough patch behind the pubic bone in the vaginal wall. It is best reached through the “come hither” motion of a finger. When stimulated, it often causes an urgent sensation of having to pee. This sensation will most likely lead to a powerful orgasm, occasionally female ejaculate, and probably not pee.
•The female Spotted Hyena urinates, mates and gives birth via an enlarged, erectile clitoris known as a pseudo-penis. No, really. Just Wiki “clitoris” sometime. My head exploded when I read that. But anyway, I digress.
Put your mutherf*ckin napkin on your lap already.
Although the risk is much lower than that of intercourse, sexually transmitted infections can be spread through oral sex. Herpes, gonorrhea, HIV, (and less commonly) HPV, hepatitis B, syphilis, and chlamydia can be contracted from head.
However, I feel it necessary to concede that dental dams are not without their pitfalls. They are cumbersome, they dull sensation, and they’re somewhat ridiculous, if not somewhat insulting. It’s like, You want it, baby? Yeah? Right there? HOLD ON – LET ME JUST PULL OUT THIS GIANT, BANANA-FLAVORED SHEET OF LATEX TO PROTECT ME FROM YOUR [FESTERING] VAGINA.
One female explains that she “likes the dry feeling of latex against her clit, like a tease.” If it’s a one-night deal, then it’s just plain smart. And if not, well then it’s only until you and your partner drag your asses to Dick’s House and get tested anyway, right?
Dental dams and condoms are available at Dick’s House or in The Gay Room (Robinson Hall room 107/9), and in a pinch you can have some DIY fun with cellophane or a condom, cut length-wise.
Wet your appetite.
Vajayjay is a delicacy, so don’t ambush the damned bush. The clitoris is usually too sensitive to be stimulated directly right away, so get those juices flowing first. One pal claimed that when it comes to muff-diving, “anticipation is everything.” Another chimed in, “kiss her everywhere but there — and when you do, start by licking around and inside the vagina before moving northward.”
One female casually confided, “I think it’s extremely important to try different things with your partner to see what they like. My girlfriend likes the tongue slow and delicate, but I like it fast and hard.”
Try eating with your hands
As one friend stressed with an urgency that made me cringe (and cease further inquiry), “CUT YOUR DAMNED NAILS.”
Alright, this is where the G-spot comes in. Most women can’t have an orgasm without clitoral stimulation, but the G-spot generally intensifies the sensation in the clitoris, and vice-versa.
One female explained that her partner inserts two fingers into her vagina, then rubs her G-spot while sucking the clitoris — sort of like that thing you were always trying to do in third grade, where you pat your head and rub your tummy at the same time. Only now your reputation is on the line and your neck hurts like Jesus.
I’m kidding, of course.
Still hungry?
Some women simply can’t climax from lip service. Some can’t without. Others have trouble reaching orgasm period. But the single best piece of advice I collected for this article is: Don’t. Give. Up.
That’s not to say miss your 10A; but it might not happen in five or 15 or even 45 minutes, either. Just be patient and stay focused. You could be there a while. As long as she’s enjoying it, it isn’t futile.
And remember that unlike a man, a woman’s orgasm doesn’t necessarily mean game over. Especially if it’s a quick one, it may be just the warm-up round. Seconds, anyone?
If you are instead shoulder-tapped off the field, don’t get emo on your lover. Coming is not always the end-all-be-all of cunnilingus. Besides, there’s always next time. Chin up! It could be just a pong game away.
So I raise my glass — er, paddle — to the Class of 2011. May you be safe, get off, and maybe even find love along the way. Welcome to my column, and welcome to Dartmouth.
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